Eulogy Of A Thief

We are here today to celebrate the life of our friend, the late Reagan Kamajwala whom has just died at 25 years old which means that he was born in the year 1989. Reagan was like a grain of sand among the sandy beaches of siblings in his nuclear family household.

Early Life and Talent

His talent of being a thief was first noticed by his mother’s ovary which watched in awe and wander as Reagan stood with a gun at the gate of the ovary, stealing oxygen from his fellow sperm cells who ended up being suffocated before entering the ovary. While in his mother’s womb, he stole his way out by bribing the fallopian tube (just in the way he would bribe prison guards in future to help him out)  after just seven months because he feared the frisking slap that would be done by the doctor after the normal nine months birth. His reason for refusing to be born at nine months was that, if the doctor slapped him, then the doctor would know his voice hence would act as a court witness in future should Reagan be arraigned in court and charged for robbery.

His death though early, it can’t be termed as “Gone Too Soon” but a “A Life Well Lived”. This is due to the titanic manner with which his long hands which gave the hands of the government competition, made a lot of people to fear him.

Work

In 1999, Reagan trained himself through the availability of the genes within his DNA. He was taught this craft of neck squeezing for money giving in the school of life.By then he only had a rusty machete that he would cheat his poor victims that the machete had rabies. He worked in  several towns due to the personal transfers and exiles he imposed unto himself each time these towns would go poor.

His Death

Many people meet their untimely deaths but Reagan’s extra-thiefy life only ensured that he met a timely death. This occurred on the 15^th of December when the appetite of his long hands lied to him to steal an electric fence so that he would use it to fence his home. This is where he went wrong. If Kenyan pastors nowadays use Chemistry lessons to help them preach, there is no doubt that Reagan should have used Physics.

His death shall be put as a memoir in the you tube videos of 1000 Ways To Die.

Neighbors Comments

Reagan as our neighbor, was probably born to parents who passed him the unique genes of stealing and robbing because his was more of an inborn talent. Reagan was so perfect that he had the ability to steal electronics from your “Home” in facebook. His long hands talent were able to make him steal even things that had been thrown in a dustbin. One day it was very cold as it had rained. Reagan broke into the Central Bank Of Kenya, then broke into the dollars section and managed to steal from a dollar, the coat that Abraham Lincoln wears on that dollar. Abraham Lincoln’s face became so wrinkled as Reagan left him with only a vest. Reagan put on the coat and walked away. This is the day I vowed to forever respect his thuggish antics.

Reagan lived wonderfully on earth. He not only touched our lives, but he always went the extra mile of  touching our pockets and purses too.

He had many hobbies which he was very proud of. His favorite childhood game was : ‘Police and Thieves’. Reagan loved his job with so much sarcasm. So much that he was the only man from this village to find humor in robbing at gunpoint of my neighbor Mr Onesmars who ended up fainting at the mentioned gun point.

Pastor’s Final Words

It is quite ironic that in his obsessive pursuit of making a living, he was also a pig of a man which means that at least there is more tea left for each one of us. Therefore, being the pig he was, it is with great respect that we gather here today to fill his stomach with concrete.

The spirit of Reagan will be with us forever and by spirit, I mean the overwhelming debts he has put us through by his extravagance.

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, In A Sombre Mood, Dec 2014]

Weird Cravings Of Pregnant Ladies

Talk of times when ordinary foods turn out to be a delicious delicacy. I have always laughed at how certain foods begin to taste differently. Sometimes I am tempted to say that maybe its a food that tasted bad still the thrilling demand harbors the need anyway.

Some pregnant ladies don’t know how to differentiate between appetite and craving. Craving is when you take small amounts of a certain food so as to fill in for the emotional need of taste. Appetite is when you expect to taste the whole dish with the hidden gluttonic agenda of filling up so that you don’t take an established meal e.g. supper or lunch. That is my definition so if you have any definition, keep it to yourself.

As I am typing this post, my pregnant girlfriend has started thinking of devouring the huge bar soap I bought yesterday. Her embryo (my kid to be) has certainly developed an appetite for laundry soaps. I call it a washed up appetite. Maybe our kid will grow up to act in bar soap adverts. I just pray that the embryo doesn’t push my sweetheart into licking powder soap instead of glucose. The amazing thing is that she now treasures soaps so much that they have a shelf in our fridge. The fruits now resume their new county of soap dish. It is very sad to find a ripe mango enjoying the breeze next to your bathing cloth with sap dripping next to the floor. Its like the mango is weeping for not being eaten.

My neighbors wife had an appetite of sniffing hair. She would sniff her husband's hair all night. When she gave birth earlier than expected ( at 8 months ), it was clear that the embryo had a craving for hair and it had developed a taste for its father's dreadlocks.

When I was in class eight, I overheard my father narrating to his friend Baba Muchiri how my mother used to eat the orbituary leaf of the daily newspaper. My father feared that this would superstitiously mean that the embryo may die and get a "Gone Too Soon" title orbituated in one of the local dailies. This happened in the third semester of my mother's conception of me. Fortunately I was born with a dead sense of anti-humor. I also overheard how during the first semester, my mother went through a three month session of eating lemons like oranges. Maybe that explains why sometimes I am bitter and skeptical about life.

One Friday evening, myself and a good friend called Edwin were drinking some coffee after a long day of reading in campus. While we were drenching our bowels with caffeine, Edwin told me how his elder brother's wife had a training craving when pregnant. She used to lick the train's track after it had passed their neighborhood. She would then smell and enjoy the 'aroma' produced by the iron rail tracks. I kept wondering, what if it was an electric train passing by the neighborhood.

Some ladies love eating stones then when they give birth, the keep wondering why they have given birth to children who don’t smile at anything but instead posses the perfect example of a stony face. Who knows, maybe famous wrestler 'The Rock's' mother had also eaten stones while pregnant of him. Maybe as she ate the rocks, she would then smell the rocks aroma in her throat and say it loud,'If You Smeeeeeeeeeel'. Okay, lets continue.

Some ladies eat soil especially when rain drizzles on it and leaves a sweet smell. Hii ndio hufanya mtoto akizaliwa anaongea matope. This makes a kid to speak speak like mud when grown up.

Ladies dont love it when men play computer games. When Nic's wife was expectant, she would force herself on the appetite of breaking and eating computer game pads so that Nic would stop playing FIFA and concentrate on spending time with her. When Nic touched the phone to text, she would break the phone and eat it just to get Nic's full attention and when Nic got bored and wanted to leave the house, she would spill tomato sauce on the clothes Nic wore so that she blamed the appetite just so that Nic doesn’t leave her alone in the house. I just wonder if Nic would threaten to leave the house naked. Maybe he would have been minced meated by the wife.

My mother once told me that she had a craving of eating samosas made of maize seed stuffings and drinking the delicacy with a cup of tea that has salt instead of sugar. Her's was very interesting as she told me that during those times, the smell of onions would make her laugh. As she laughed, the kid in her belly would roll over. Maybe the kid was a comedian already in the womb. Rehearsing near fallopian hall and performing at the uterus arena and making her mother laugh instead of producing tears.

So what are some of the cravings you have ever heard of ?

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, Dont Tell My Mum I Said The Above, (c) December 2014 ]

Please Teacher May I Go To The Toilet ?

If you have never used this phrase in school then don't  tell me you ever enjoyed your school life. For me, the only time I used this phrase was in high school when I was a form two. We used to have a female geography teacher called Ms Asiko. She was single, beautiful and her volumes of curves fitted her clothes perfectly.I must say that I passed my geography exams because of the social nature of Ms Asiko and how free she set us to enjoy the subject. I scored an A plain. It is during her lessons that I perfected the use of the phrase,''Please Teacher May I Go To The Toilet''.

On the first lesson, she said that geography is the study of physical features. After digesting and watching her for thirty minutes, I told her, ''Please teacher may go to the toilet as I reflect on the physical features.'' She looked at me with an innocent face and told the class to applaud me as I was the only student enjoying and applying the lesson in life. This was an excuse to reflect on her ''physical features''.The trend continued well and each time the lesson was almost ending, each student would device a method to say the phrase so that Ms Asiko would appreciate their understanding of geography. During the Volcanic Mountains topic, when the lesson was 30 minutes done, I went to her and said, ''please teacher may I go to the toilet for a volcanic eruption''. The class erupted in laughter as I wheeled of like an Olympic champion from Eldoret towards the toilet.

Some student attempted the same during a Chemistry lesson. The chemistry teacher called Mr Dan had returned the C.A.T papers and we had successfully scored valency marks of between zero to 3 over thirty. This student had scored nothing. Not zero. He didn't write anything on the paper except his name. As Mr Dan was caning us, this boy said to him, ''please teacher may I go to the toilet and commit suicide''. Mr Dan beat the boy mercilessly like he had eaten ground nuts to be used for an experiment.That aside, one boy was expelled from the geography class during the topic of Mining. This boy was a ''Civilisation Wannabe''. He said, ''please teacher can I go to the toilet and come back so that you gold dig me?'' Infact Ms Asiko was so annoyed and subjected the boy to doing CRE so that he would build his morals at least by learning about the building of Noah's ark.Finally, we were coming to the lesson of SCALE DRAWING. Ms Asiko ordered everyone to come with rulers and calculators. During that lesson, she came to class in a shorter skirt that kept making my mind board a bus and alight at the bus stage called ''Today I Cant Focus In Class''. I kept looking at her and after 30 minutes because her dress was killing me and I was feeling something hard in my touser.

I came to her with my ruler and calculator and said to her, ''please teacher may I go to the toilet for measurement ?'' The whole class became jealous as she allowed me to go for the measurement.One student went to the principal to report me and  he led the principal to the toilet where they found me measuring.

I was measuring the size of the toilet and calculating its size to scale of the school map/atlas.

The boy who came with the principal was expelled for interfering with students who are focused in getting As in the subjects they love.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh, Please Teacher May I Go To The Fence Because The Toilet Is Occupied ? December 2014]

Teachers Seducing Each Other [part 1]

HISTORY TEACHERS

MALE TEACHER : I love your oral traditions (looks and smiles) baby, they preserve your culture.

FEMALE TEACHER : Where do you come from ?

MALE TEACHER : I come from Pan African state of Kumbi Saleh and Shona.

FEMALE TEACHER : I thought you come from Olorgesailie.

MALE TEACHER : Why ?

FEMALE TEACHER : Your homo habilistic legs. Anyway I love them.

MALE TEACHER : And you are all gorgeous. Are you from Olduvai Gorge ??

FEMALE TEACHER : No I come from the line of Queen Sheba and Sellasie.

MALE TEACHER : Thats great. Anyway I want to divorce my wife and marry you to provide Maji Maji rebellion to my wife.

FEMALE TEACHER : Why ?

MALE TEACHER : She cooks unstiff ugali that is watery (Maji Maji).

FEMALE TEACHER : In that case, I hope you shall use guerilla tactics to chase away other suitors

GEOGRAPHY TEACHERS

MAN : Baby I love the Muhorovicic discontinuity on your chest. (cleavage) It separates the Milky Way Meteorites properly.

LADY : Wow thanks. I love your atmospheric pressure. How much is it ? (perfume)

MAN : I Don’t know, my mother looted it for me from a Stevenson Screen during the post-election violence (Supermarket)

LADY : I thought you can be my atlas but apparently you are poor. I am trying to say that, I thought you would take me to places I have never been before.

MAN : Don’t worry baby. I'll be your ocean of I.M.F (International Monetary Funder). Your COMESA (Comforter Of Many Efforts Satisfying an Angel)

GAL : In that case, if the sun is too hot and you have no meal or water for your thirst, I'll be your relief rainfall. If hot SOLAR makes you sick, I'll be your VENUS to measure your temperature with a MERCURY thermometer. If the EARTH becomes boring, I will take you to planet JUPITER where we shall listen to romantic music by bruno MARS. If JUPITER is boring, I'll take you to planet NEPTUNE so long as we don’t become PLUTOnic lovers. Above all, I pray to God that SATURN does not interfere with our love.

MAN : For that matter let us take an aeroplane via longitude 36 degrees and go for a honeymoon. Let’s fly with our love high above the skies because the higher you go the cooler it becomes.

CHEMISTRY TEACHERS

MALE : Sweet heart I think I can be your solute, you provide the solvent then we make a solution  to our love problems

FEMALE : Sounds a great idea especially now that each time I see you, my body reacts with benzoic rings of love. Chemically speaking, it has been found by my doctor that you are the reagent of my reactions. It’s just that sometimes I feel jealous

MALE : Why ? because you see me with Alkali or Propane ? Alkali is my neighbor. I can’t have her. Propane is my blood cousin so she can’t cause distillation in my feelings because my love boiling point is 100%

FEMALE : You know I always love you. If you will dare leave me in future, then I will consume H₂SO₄ to corrode my feelings

MALE : I will never leave you. Infact, tonight lets go for a dinner at Thermo-Chemistry Restaurant, Butyl Street. Order what you want on the menu. They have protons and neutrons for snacks and moles for the main course

FEMALE : I love you for you know how to balance my hunger equation.

MALE : My dear, so today are you like hydrogen ?

FEMALE : Why ?

MALE : Today you are making my heart beat with a pop sound

FEMALE : Hahahahaha! [Blushes with her nose and cheeks}

MALE : So what are you today ?

FEMALE : Today I am a gas but not hydrogen

MALE : Sounds great. Are you oxygen today?

FEMALE : No. I am Carbon IV Oxide

MALE : So you can extinguish my burning splint

FEMALE : Why not ?

[They Exit Quickly To Go And Extinguish]

{B.O.B A Whoof Deh © , I Was A Teacher Too, November 2014}