A Sponsor Is Who ?

Definition : A sponsor/blessor is someone who may not be single or have the looks or have a close promixal age to the sponsee or even have bedroom prowess, but they must definately have a fat wallet and a generous demeanor. 

Typically, sponsors normally have a significantly large age difference between them and the sponsee, but given the rise in early financial breakthrough among the youth in recent times, sponsorship levels have risen within this young demographics. With age comes wisdom and money but little time to enjoy it, but there are also other natural characteristics that come with mature sponsorship; more often than not, these special characteristics lack in the younger generation of sponsors. Upcoming male sponsors, sponsor code states that:

1. Sponsors dont put on captioned tshirt and rugged jeans or these other fancy wears and accessories when going to the club; sponsors put on a checked longsleeved shirt and tuck in khaki pants. Having a kitambi, open shoes, suspender, a wrist watch, savco jeans, a company branded cap/tshirt and spectacles is an added advantage.

2. If you invite a lady to the club, make sure it is a place you frequent, preferrably a Rhumba joint-a place where waiters greet you respectfully "welcome sir" or better yet "karibu mkubwa" and rush to serve you because apparently you always tip them. Why Rhumba? Real sponsors dont listen to reggae, ragga, dancehall, genge, kapuka etc because it makes noise to their old ear drums, unless the sponsee proposes that they hop to a more youthful club.

3. When you've settled at the table and the waiter is taking orders, dont look at the waiter directly as if you are worried or hoping your company will not order something that will dent your wallet. Look away, probably at an imaginary car you parked or at the tv screen, or at the sky. Assume you dont care what will be ordered because pesa otas nigga. Once they've ordered, never glance at the bill or ask the waiter what you owe until you are ready to leave, then pay. ALWAYS say "keep change", even when there is no change to keep. If you fear the bill might make you amicus chonga viaziae, do a reconnaisance visit of the club prior to your official visit and tip the waiter to keep the budget low when bringing the menu-in other words only make certain drinks and foods available-so that they are within your budget.

4. Sponsors dont speak sheng. It is either kiswahili sanifu or english. And if they have to use sheng, it needs to be broken sheng or old school sheng, like hakuna diambo, manyanga etc

5. Sponsors dont talk too much; and whatever they say must be related to rhumba, benga, old school music, politics, the country's economy, or money making projects and investments. To better explain and illustrate themselves, they need to point and wave using their expensive phone and their car keys 

6. Sponsors dance slowly and gently, not too energetically. Having two left feet is an added advantage. And when dancing they dont sweat, unless the club AC is broken and their weight is taking a toll on them. Sweating is reserved for later, when malipo ya kunywa guarana uliyonunuliwa ni papa hapa duniani.

7. Sponsors are non-violent. And they dont shout at the club or beg for attention, they like peace and quiet. If they accidentally spill your beer they apologize by buying you two more. If you spill their beer they smile with you and tell you its okay, some will even ask if you've hurt yourself and help you to your seat.

8. Sponsors dont have time to katia a lady or dilly dally, they will go straight to the point "can i buy you a drink?" Which should be taken to mean "......then go to the guest house with you for the night and later give you some money".

9. Sponsors are not responsible for what happens to you or your biology after the encounter. Their obligation starts and ends at the money, treats or drinks, PERIOD. Its a caveat emptor relationship "buyer beware".

10. Sponsors dont receive or make calls at odd/family or business hours, unless they need a quickie after which that relationship ends until the convenience comes up again.

11. Sponsors dont attach emotion to temporary pressure-relieving-sponsorship-relationships. Whoever falls in love with a sponsor or expect a sponsor to fall in love with them is responsible for their own woes.

12. Whatever a sponsor spends on the sponsee, must be paid back in kind and in full one way or another, in the near or further future. That is the rule of the jungle. That said, sponsors are not stingy, they will, and should give you what you want.

Whoever performs the sponsor role but lacks the true character of a sponsor is a sponsor mwitu.

All a sponsor wants is some little dicreet company, maybe some orgasm no strings attached, PERIOD, and ofcourse they have the purchasing power for that.

Goodluck.

By, Jaduong' Thinktank Okello

2017, May

Follow Him on Facebook @ Collins Thinktank Okello

The Day My Father Died

April 1999
Kayole, Nairobi - Kenya

His cousin who worked at Kenya Airways came driving an old school maroon Volvo car. He packed it outside the one storey flat and galloped the stairs to the red oxide corridor then into our house. My mother looked at him, a refracting tear ball forming at the base of her eyelids as she watched him twitch and gasp for breath weakly in the unspread bed.

His cousin helped her carry him like delicate sack. He held his trunk downwards and my mother clutched onto his black leather jacket that would threaten to slide from his emaciated body. They carried him carefully downstairs and into the rear seat of the maroon Volvo where they helped him try to sit straight as they tried to fit his turquoise pair  of trousers well on him as it had slid to the hind and the hind to the front. He looked at me and forced a smile that seemed to say that he'd be fine and should he depart to the land of no return, then well and good, life is just a trip, even death has a reason.

My mother told our neighbour, Mama Evelyn to take care of me and my little brother should she not return overnight. My brother was at this age where children crawl and feed on anything their fingers can grasp including soil and what can be its contents not excluding crawling arthropods. The Volvo dashed away into the yonder near Kayole One primary school as I carried my brother back to the house.

In the evening, Mama Evelyn took us to her house at the ground floor where we slept on her daughter's bed (Evelyn's bed) as she wasn't around. She was my childhood crush by the way but tonight I didn't feel a thing for her smile, brown skin or fluffy nature that sapped cheekiness out of my anatomy.

In the morning, I heard our door slam from upstairs then painful wailing pierced the thin and silent air. It was my mother's voice. I looked at my sleeping brother, he was unaware and probably dreaming that he's playing with butterflies. I ran upstairs to our house and when I saw my mother's face and heard the words of peace and comfort that one or two neighbours who were already there saying to her as she sobbed, I could tell it all.

My artist was dead
My father was dead
My life he'd fled
Tears I shed

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh - R.I.P ; Return If Possible, April 2017]