Black Out In A Mixed School

That day there was no electricity in our mixed day school.

Night blackouts were my best class times as opposed to mathematics lessons which were like leprosy to me. Mito the class prefect lit a torch but I shouted, "ZIMA TORCH TUFANYE VITU ZETU." (switch off your torch we want to do our things) Before I finished, Salim threw a big left over ugali at Mito's big nose and the torch fell down and broke.

It was now time to carress my deskmate called Wendy who was hotter than our Sunday morning porridge. I let out my left hand into her skirt as commotion arose in class over the ugali Mito threw.

Today Wendy's thigh was hard and hairy. Was it her really ? I didn't care as I continued into her 'hardware' and felt a hard straight thing. I knew it was a banana she kept in her pant because she was very foodius and that today was a visiting day so probably she was hiding a banana down there.

As I tried to pull the banana away to free space for attack by my poor fingers, the lights came back. I fainted because, it was not Wendy but our deputy principal monitoring me for an expulsion.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh 2014, Mayooo]

His Hands On Her Waist, Her Eyes On His Eyes

His hand on her waist and her pupils focused onto his retina.Her left hand touched his hairy face as the ring on her engagement finger stroked his broad chin in rhythmic ecstasy.His tongue deep inside her warm wet mouth and the tongue being scratched by the space in her buck tooth while her warm breath hits his vehemently sweating greasy face that has longed for such a tender caressing.

Natasha was shorter than Bobito and so as they stood under that little mapera tree, Bobito pushed her gently against the trunk of the tree and as breathless as she was, she lifted her her left leg from beneath the denim skirt and curled the foot around Bobito's left thigh from behind as Bobito started to sigh from the heated snogs and Natasha so breathlessly held onto him tighter than TAVETA.She left her hand off his face then down Bobito's neck, then down his rough chest over his khaki shirt. The romance was getting hotter but not until her hand touched a hard thing...on Bobito's breast pocket.She reached out for it  by unzipping the khaki shirts breast pocket and taking out the package.Alas! It was a small velvet box. One of those little boxes you saw on afro sinema being given by Ramsey Noah to Genevieve Nnaji or y Emeka Ikke to Ini Edo.

Hehehehe!A chill of anxiety cancelled the romantic mood as she pushed away Bobito and ran a few meteres away from him to see the contents of the package.Bobito, so engulfed and weakened by the sudden halt of the romance, fall on the ground laughing and thanking God beacause finally he was home after 8 months to propose  to the woman he loved most. The woman was the beautiful Natasha. (A rather short lady with well kempt afro on her round skull with a black smooth skin glittering under her upper spectacles and the wide gap between her upper teeth  just the space you would think was made by God's dental chisel. Hehehe! Bobito on the other hand was a skinny man with a broad face and shaggy unkempt hair which was influenced by his constant love for reggae music by Bob Marley. Hehehe! I know you want the descriptions to go further.

Anyway, Natasha opened the little box slowly with her fingers shaking like my father's changaa influenced fingers. Natasha opened the box and saw a cute bronze ring glittering innocently with jealousy of quenching Bobito's love for Natasha.Unfortunately for Natasha, the ring was written, "Bobito weds Nicole!"Natasha felt a burning pain in her chest as the ring ring clearly spelt betrayal of love by Bobito the man she loved most. Natasha was faithful to Bobito and had never played him even during his 8 month trip to Malaysia. Was this Nicole bitch a Malaysian??? Just a question among the many that clogged her stressed mid as the volume of tears rose in the corners of her optical apparatus.

Bobito frantically rose from the grass, licking his lower lip and preparing for the next kiss from Natasha. He noticed the tears  rolling under her glasses."Natasha baby, why are you crying?"" Leave me alone bastard, " as she sobbed genuinely. "I'll be okay. Leave me alone. Now I know that love is a guessing game. You men are FAUNA who destroy the feelings of FLORA women." Natasha continued to curse Bobito poetically."Natasha I don't understand you.!Natasha looked at Bobito from nail to cheek then gave him a thunderous slap on his broad left cheek and down Bobito went."I hope this slap makes you overstand if you don't understand me now." Bobito fell on the ground still perplexed and spitting saliva to see if the bite on his tongue was severe.As Bobito lay on the ground, Natasha stood rooted with tears allover her blouse while she stared at the ring of betrayal.Then suddenly from he back, Edwin came."Bobito, I am sorry for you my man. I made a mistake when designing and smeliting your wedding ring, I curved the name NICOLE instead of NATASHA.""Natasha, I am sorry for hurting your love with Bobito. Nicole is the name of my wife and at the mention of love, I always think of her hence the confusion in the ring. I wish you would slap me rather than hurt your innocent Bobito."Edwin took a golden ring from his pocket, "Natasha, here is a replacement for the ring." The golden ring was glittering with marbles on it reading, "Natasha weds Bobito."On realizing how wrong she was, Natasha knelt down to pick Bobito and tell him how sorry she was for overreacting.Bobito didnt say a word but just hugged and kissed her on the forehead as she cried and Bobito whispering in her ears, "Natasha dear, it was my fault, I contracted an amateur ring curver.And the happy epilogue of this story was celebrated on a colorful aisle with a priest on board to officiate the cutting of the cake from Malaysia that Bobito had brought Natasha.

_______ END ______

[B.o.B 2013 A Whoof Deh, For The Perverts]

Bakari The House-Boy

Bakari is a houseboy of Kibaki.

Bakari is a houseboy who every day drinks the wine of his boss
and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank.But the
Boss having suspicion as for the quality of the wine he decides to
buy pastis wine (a french wine that changes colour if you add water)
Bakari as usual takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what
he drank.

However, after adding
water the pastis wine became milky. When Kibaki came back and
noticed it he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as a thief!!
At that moment Bakari realises he is in trouble and runs into the
kitchen

The Boss tells his wife " Mary you will see,today he will be obliged to acknowledge that he's a thief!" So he calls Bakari shouting

KIBAKI :"Bakari.!! "
BAKARI:"Yes boss"
KIBAKI :"Who drank my pastis?"
*no answer*
The boss repeats his
question:"Who drank my wine?"
*no answer*

kIBAKI goes to fetch Bakari in
the kitchen and asks him "Are u
insane or what?" When i call you
you reply yes boss but when i ask
you a question you dont answer
me! Why??"
Bakari replies "When you are in
the kitchen Boss you dont hear
anything at all except the name."
To prove that Bakari is lying.the
boss tells him "you stay here
beside Madam,i'l go to the kitchen
and you will ask me a question"
Bakari agrees and the boss goes
to the kitchen
BAKARI:"Boss!"
KIBAKI :"Yes Bakari"
BAKARI:"Who goes into the maids
room when madam is not here?"
*no answer*
BAKARI(shouts): "Boss who made
the maid pregnant?"
*no answer*
BAKARI(shouts again:"Who made
the maid pregnant?"
*no answer*
The boss came out of the kitchen
sweating and said "Bakari its
true,you were right when one is
in the kitchen you only hear the
name and nothing else,go and
continue with your work i have
no problem with you"

Space Between A Rock And A Hard Place

It was just another good morning filled with all sorts of nonsense cliché sounds of creatures and chilliness that my little brother can put in his composition to lure his standard four English teacher for unnecessary marks.I snoozed the alarm and cursed why the hell I had to set it to cry at 6.00a.m in the morning when dreaming about me being in my birthday party, celebrating and eating like Shiundu who got a feast at last.Shiundu was one of those weird Luhya characters whose stories you read about in primary school of how they were possessed with a demon of over eating capacity and had subscribed to unlimited saliva activation anytime they smelled food cooking.

Ha! Ha! Ha!, this is not Shiundu’s story, this is the story called, the space between a rock and a hard place.So, I just woke up because I needed to prepare for a small journey to Moi University to check if my poor name was on the list of the chosen finalists of the upcoming essay competition in Indonesia.I poured cold water into my purple basin and took my dirty shirt to use it as a towel because some nugu had stolen my towel from the cloth line the previous day it was too early or rather wasteful to buy another towel because real men don’t bathe daily.I strolled to the bathroom, closed the door, tasted the water with my hands and it was just too cold for my little backbone that cold was also eating and I was trembling like the aspen poplar tree due to the cold.I closed my eyes, counted one two three then a poured a handful of water to my back but I bet it was just too cold for  a man who bathes once in a week so as the water came back from the air to hit my poor back, I missed it deliberately. I jumped up and down thrice to sweat a bit after which I successfully poured the water on m y poor back and bathed in a supersonic speed. (Did I really have to use the word supersonic like my brother?) All in all, you understand what I mean? Good.I came out of the bathroom rushed towards my one roomed house and just by the door; I saw the space between a rock and a hard place starting to form. My door was empty and there was a huge cobra snake I think as long as three meters and it was resting its black scaly muscles on my dusty door mat. Wooi! My God. With only a boxer on me? And red and blue sandals on my feet ?Unfortunately for me, I saw my girlfriends mother walk near the gate and looking at me and of course I had nowhere to run. She looked at me and said “Hello” and I pretend to smile because she had seen my hard calfs with hairs allover when I was just hopin that she doesn’t figure them out hidden in a trouser near her neat daughter who has smooth legs. That aside, this is not the story of my girlfriend, it’s about the snake.I ran around the bathroom to look for a stick to kill the serpent, but when I came back, I found it gone. Alas! Gone where??????? Hey ! and my door was very much open. I couldn’t do anything until I thought of something cheeky.My neighbor was an animal farmer so I thought of a cheeky idea. I crept into his backyard with my “dirty towel shirt”, took one of his guinea pigs from their pen and put it into the shirt and slowly came home with it.I cut the sisal cloth line and tied it on the guinea pig’s neck then inched closer to the door and pushed the guinea pig into the open door then I waited far from the house just near the fence. I watched in awe for five minutes the I felt the rope shaking as the guinea pig came running out of the house with the cobra really slithering out.I pulled the little creature away into the farmers homestead and untied it and kept it into its house as the snake came towards me. I ran infront of the farmers house and shouted “snake”, then the farmer came out with his rake and the snake became history if not a fossil and I prepared for the journey and with the incident fresh on my mind, it had to be my latest story for the Indonesia creative writing competition.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh 2013, Composition Writing Teacher]

Mayai Boil Brought To Court

A man was yesterday arraigned in a digestive system court and charged with causing abdominal incitement, violence and rapture and blockage of digestive highway contrary to the feeding clause 1pm Lunchtymo of the Meals New Constitution. Mr. Mayai Boil was put before principal Magistrate Actal and Eno where he pleaded guilty to the charges of being half cooked and jointly charged with collaborating with rotten friends like stale Beans Madondo of Korogocho Slums Hotel to cause the alleged rapture in Mr. Wafula's gastric area. (stomach) Mr Mayai Boil pleaded guilty to the charges and was flashed out on a fine of 10bob for hiring advocate eno and 5bob for hiring lawyer actal. However, Mr Wafula was also given a 24hour sentencing to hard labour through having to hang around his toilet and squatting with eyes tightly closed and letting out Mr. Mayai Boil and Company from the said premises as a punishment aimed at making MR. Wafula to stop eating anyhowly in dirty vibanda hotels.

Story Of A Little Boy Lost In A Forest

One day a street boy went into a deep forest to look for fruits. He climbed trees and gathered the best fruits he could and when he was almost through, a very heavy thunderstorm started.It rained as if it was raining upon the sinful mystic dogs and cats in a jerrican of Mombasa.The poor street boy decided to look for cover before the thunderstorm could stop so that he could walk back to the city 10 kilometers away safely with his hard earned supper.Fortunately for the boy, he found a warm isolated cave just beneath a rock where the rain water couldn’t flow into.He opticated inside to see what was inside but there was nothing.  Just warm red volcanic soil with smooth terraces on it as if someone usually plays a game of pulling a sack full of cereals on that ground.He decided to choose the warmest corner of the cave and coil up himself and maybe take a nap. As he napped, flashlights from the sky could draw rays of lights at the backdrop of his retina each minute as thunder struck outside each minute burning the trees severely. He was so afraid of the thunder as he saw a gazelle running outside the cave and being super electrocuted by the voltages from the pouring heavens. What if something came into the cave to attack him? That was a question for later or maybe just fantasy but for now, little street boy had to focus on his little nap and wait for the thunderstorm to halt.As fate and coincidence would coin it, the rain continued to dazzle and pour like waterfalls from heaven were running for gravity. Suddenly, trees just above the cave started to rattle. The sound wasn’t that of thunder. It was a unique sound as if a bulldozer was rolling on top of the cave. The noise got louder and louder as the dry soil above the little boys head in the cave started dropping dustily.Little boy knew something was coming into the cave. But he couldn’t run out because the flowing waters would grab him immediately.Before he could think of what to do, the lights from the sky that lit the cave a few seconds ago dimmed gradually as the rolling sound outside cam towards the mouth of the cave. His heart started to thump and his breath accelerated like the fan of a new computer.A sparkling multi-coloured skin of a huge reptile appeared at the mouth of the cave gliding slowly and blocking the caves mouth so our little fried couldn’t run out. In short, he was security coded without a password because it was a very big python seeking shelter from the rain just like our little hopeless friend.Little poor friend couldn’t shout because he would arouse the reptile. All he did was coil himself even smaller in order to occupy a quarter GB of the cave’s space that he was occupying temporarily since the owner of the house had just arrived. Little boy had never battled even a lizard but today, he was facing the mother of snakes.The python slithered halfway with the boy already trembling like poplar tree. The python opened its mouth wide as if to yawn first before swallowing the little boy. Then it closed its mouth and rested its head on the ground. The boy was so scared as he knew that the reptile was just saying a prayer to the father in heaven for providing it with its daily bread.The python remained that way for the next 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, 8 hours 12 hours then 24 hours while blocking the mouth of the cave with the boy fearing to walk out because he might step on the praying python.Suddenly, he saw a thin sickly and very old hyena near the mouth of the cave chewing something. His fears reached 103% because, a hyena had added up itself on the python’s little menu.Alas! The hyena was eating the python. The python was dead all this long. It wasn’t praying. When it opened its mouth wide, it was letting out the last cry to death. Yes, it had been struck by thunder and lightning and it was dead.The boy couldn’t fear an old sickly hyena so he shouted from inside the silent cave and the hyena ran away for its dear life thinking that another python was out to revenge. Of course our little boy ran out, picked his fruits just outside the cave in his polythene bag and ran towards the city 10 kilometers away.                                                                          (END)    

Death And Funeral Announcement Of The Late Omena

Its with deep sorrow and humble acceptance that we announce the death of Mama Petronillah Omena of Lake Victoria. She was a dear sister to John Tilapia adn Phoebe Mbuta of River Nile, Daughetr in Law to Edith Mud-Fish of Great Lakes USA and Nicholas Catfish of Red Sea if not Agnes Whale of Kesses Dam. A dear customer to Bifwoli Bifwoli and Tsimonjero Mgongo Wazi of Kibra. Omena's burial will take place at Sufuria Gardens near Frying pan Stadium. The flower girls who will dance at the ceremony are tomatoes, dhania and kitunguu saumu of Bangla Pesa Mombasa. The flower girls will be dancing to the hit song "Pole Samaki Pole" produced by Pwani Oil Refineries. Omena's Euology shall be read by Pastor Eric Omondi of the all THINNERS Repentance Cathedral and the Charcoal that shall be used to cook Omena will be made of non other than Daniel Churchil Ndambuki Mwalimu Kingang'i Black Bleaching Agents for Charcoal Production in Kativoo Kitui East. The undertakers shall be the villi of the small intestines of Marlboro Karao Police Station who shall rpovide security to omena's coffin against Minyoo haramu sent by Ambusi Deh of Ghetto Mburrrrrrrrrukenges. Omena shall be laid to rest at the Choo Za Kanjo Holes of Muthurwa Market and shall be recievd by uncountable worms. rest in Peace Omena Petronilla. We Loved you but Choo Loved you most. B.O.B

Marriage

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always correct and the other person is the husband. During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and wife listens. In the second year, the wife speaks and husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. SPOTTED ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT : "All Women are devils, but my wife is QUEEN.... of them all !! A man is incomplete until he marries. Immediately he marries, he becomes finished. Before marriage, a man YEARNS for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent. 

Mwanaume NIIIII ???

+++++ MWANAUME NI NINI ++++++????

 Mwanaume ni kuomba simu ya nguvu ndo aonyeshe dem ako na pesa

Mwanaume ni kumnunulia dem vitu expe na kula ugali na chai

Mwanaume ni Kubaki na dem m2 mbili kwa room na hamrarui

Mwanaume ni ku buy bamba 10 na kuiscratch na coin ya 40...

Mwanaume ni kusanya condom zote kwa dispenser na kuuzia majamaa nje ya lodging

Mwanaume ni kucreate account mbili kwa cyber halafu anaanza kujikatia

Mwanaume ni kupeleka dem date ili wakule chakula expensive alafu alikuwa amesota so amejiami na mende mbili na nzi moja kwa mfuko ya koti so akiwa karibu kumaliza anatupa mende ndani ya supu alafu anazusha na anapewa bonus meal anabeba watakula supper na dem

Mwanaume niiiiiii ??????