Eulogy Of My Future Ex

Let me borrow a line from William Shakespeare, “ Friends, Romans, Countrymen, friends and foes, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Caesar not to praise him”.

I want to write and read this eulogy in Latin for it only seems fitting to read a dead language at such a funeral.

I would have loved to call her by name but for security purposes, I won’t. Let’s say if I would love her name to be in the alphabet, then it would have to be starting with the 28^th letter of the alphabet. Nameless to be precise.

She was born in Kondogbia Village in Seme District Kisumu West in a village full of sadness. I hope she’s in a happier place now but let’s be honest, you don’t get struck by lightning during a sunny day because God loves you you know. But still we can hope.

I met her in 2012 when I was I campus. She always claimed she has a good heart and often refused to take a bottle of beer in  my company. I wonder why organ transplant black market agents are not here to purchase her organs. Any organ agents present ? None ! 

She wasn’t a rich lady, she wasn’t a proud lady neither was she a top top model. So I suppose, what I am really saying is that lets hurry. There’s a cake back at her house and if we hurry we might as well catch the Manchester United vs Arsenal game live on her flat screen. 

Her Female Neighbour’s Words

She seduced my husband, spreadvicious rumors about me and got me fired from my dream job. All I want to say is that I really want to be in the front line when we start pouring soil onto her coffin.

My Final Word

Let us give thanks to the Lord for in his infinite love and wisdom for us all, he’s taken her to heaven just before her prime. Rest in peace The Jezebel of my dreams.

The Pastor’s Final Words

Ashes to ashes dust to dust, wait a minute. Her smart phone really looks nice. Does it still have a warranty ? let me try my sim card in it.

What more can I say about the deceased ? I didn’t know her personally but friends and members of her extended family have contributed generously to my parish. God bless.

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh, December 2015, Mourning ]

Don't Tell Ladies I Said The Following

Understanding women has been rated top among the most difficult things to do in the world which apparently include breaking diamond. Diamond is the worlds hardest object yet its hardness comes second after the hardness of understanding women. I dont know why.

As I start the intercourse of this post, I want to tell you that in a relationship or marriage, one person is always right while the other person is the husband. This right person is very hard to understand because most of the times, she wants to be like the girl on the magazine cover yet even the girl on the magazine cover doesnt know who she is in real life.

Make Up

We all know that some ladies take less time to make up their minds than their faces so in most cases its best to judge this book called ‘Women’ by the cover because thats where more time was spent.

Those Who Seek Advice In Newspapers

Ladies are the first ones to write to Dr Cupids of daily newspapers saying, ‘Dear Dr Cupid, I am a single girl becasue i dont likr commitments but every guy friend  i have wants them so i friend zone them until they are annoyed... How do i find good guy friends who dont want to have sex or start a relationship ? i want a nice friend to hang out with and go out with ! what is your advice.’As far as i know myself, my answer would be :

Answer : If you want great guys you can hang out with and dont have sex with, you can look for men whose behaviors include putting on pink T-Shirts written ‘Daddy’s Angel’. These men are called GAY. These men will never try to have sex with you. Infact they will f*ck every man that tries to f*ck you. In short , boo boo, you cant find a straight dude that never wants to have sex. Good Luck.

Ladies Who Want Men With Beards

Some ladies want men with beards yet when they get men with beards, they claim that the beards are not manly. Such ladies go on to insult beardless men as men with foreheads extended to their chins. I have never heard of feminine beards. My advice to this type of ladies would be that they go and kidnap male chimpanzees whose beards are as manly as desired. Generally, my girlfriend loves my beards because she claims that whenever we kiss, she feels an arousal by the prick of the beards which is kind of weird. My analysis of ladies who love men with beards however is that, no beard shaving translates to money saved for picnics, pizzas and weave purchase and if there shall be no money at all, then we shall get hair from the beard.

Still on the beard talk, ladies love when they kiss you and they grab something long at least the beards for those with not so long zig zillas. Okay, lets continue.

Of The Lame Reasons Ladies Give US To Avoid Sex

‘I can hear the neighbors still chatting.’ Are they chatting in our room ? Come on !

‘I am angry with you!’ Okay, but you are not angry with my zigzilla. This reason is very lame

The lamest reason has to be, ‘I am not in the mood’. Very soon we shall start hearing reasons like, ‘Oh! I am your sister!’ Blah blah blah. 

To The Babel

These ladish behaviours normally confuse ;

a1.      Ladies want to eat fries, pizza, chicken, chocolate and macaronni and still expect to shape up like Rihanna. Come on ladies, there is no way this is going to happen. (Circle shape looming)

b2.      Some ladies want to walk on high heels for the first time and still manage not to look like a gully creeping kangaroo walking on its hind legs. Come on, i know there is a first time for everything but at least, practice at home before you set foot in public for perfection

c3.       Some ladies post photos of themselves on instagram , half naked, posing like an lizard climbing a tree, holding a wall as if the wall is going to fall, one finger on lips while she bites them, one eye closed, left leg folded upwards orgasmically and still feel bad when normal men like me call them whores

d4.      Ladies who apply the wrong red lipstick, then the sun shines and as the lipstick peels off, they expect to look like Rihanna yet they look like some caricature i sketched with my left foot on my sketch book

e5.      A girlfriend  who refuses being taken to a Mental school yet she  scrolls my phone book and shouts at me, “I went through your phone book, who the hell is Mum!”

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, Don't Tell The Ladies I Roasted Them, September 2015 ]

Our First Television Set ; Greatwall ? No !

[The Year 1998, Kayole One-Nairobi]

Exposition

We had never owned one before. The only piece of electronic we owned was some archaic Panasonic cassette radio that you used a pencil or a biro pen to rewind the cassette when it had played fully yet you wanted to save power because you wanted to conserve yourdry cells.

Daddy hated Great Wall (G.W) Television sets for one, they were too red and too common like the percentage of idiots in the universe and two, one day a neighbor bought a G.W TV set and as he was unpacking the ‘gadget’ home the maid said, “Wow! That’s a Coca-Cola crate!” Daddy disliked such embarrassing comparisons that pitted his expensive living gadgets to non-living gadgets like crates.

So Daddy Bought It

So dad bought this black and white National Star Television Set together with a wet cell called “Dynamite Electrolite”. We would charge this wet cell after every two weeks but as time moved on,the two weeks became a week and two quarters.

I homed in from school to find mum and dad watching cartoons. They kept analyzing the non-importance of cartoons (I guess to some adults). I was so excited and jumped on my father shouting “Weweeeeeee!”, running to the corridors , balcony and downstairs of the flats to the neighbours, I shouted, “Tumenunua Tiii Viii! Kwa akina Bob ni Kunooomaaa!”(We have bought a television. Bobs house is super). I didn’t even take off my uniform. I danced to any entertaining soundtrack on tv including adverts like the Chipsy advert. That is the day I was so excited until I danced news at 9:00pm. 

Life With The TV

Mum then became a typical African mother by taking advantage of the TV to make me help her do this and that. Especially that because obviously that is a bit far while this is here. She often sent me, “Go to the shop, buy me cooking oil then when you come back , I will open the tv for you’. I became Usain Bolt if not a Cheetah.

From time to time, daddy would turn the antenna from the roof top near the balcony until all the rice/rain had left the screen. He later delegated this role to me so that I developed bragging rights among my age-mates who couldn’t remove the rice from the screen. One of our neighbours kids loved food so much. One day while we watched tv, I shouted that the rice had come. Coincidentally, this kid’s mum had cooked beans. The kid Bolted outand Usained back with beans soup in a blue plate.We laughed.

I was constantly amazed by the anthill swelling on the back of the TV and I would constantly say, “Mummy, hii TV yetu iko kama Mama Egra” (Mum, our TV is like Egra’s Mum). Mama Egra was our neighbor and she was pregnant at the moment. Case closed. I asked how people entered the TV. Mum told me that she normally woke up at 5:00am while I was still asleep to put the people in through the swollen back of the TV through the hole where the antenna entered. I immediately developed a habit of waking up at 5:00a.m only to realize that I had been pranked to develop a behavior of waking up early for morning preps to do my homework. At that age, homework was fun though, maybe because homework was only drawing patterns and utensils.

There was a local soap called Tausi, we loved it so much. This is the day when mum cooked supper at 5:00pm so that between 5:00pm and 7:30pm, we would reminisce and narrate the past episodes and expectations of the next episode today. We were so happy to have a weak antenna that only received KBC Channel because if it received other channels, dad would obviously look for football which mum didn’t like. I didn’t care though, I loved football too. Truly kids unite parents.

For several weeks, my life revolved around the TV especially when visitors came and mum had spread some lacings (vitambaa) on the TV. I would ask questions like ;

“Mum have you seen my drawing book ? I left it on top of the TV” or something like, “Mum, the visitor has put on a trouser copying the color of our television!”

When visitors visited us or even neighbors coming to say hi, I would embarrass them by saying, “I know you have come to watch our TV”. One angered male visitor pinched me hard after I cliched him that and as I cried, he started laughing at me. I was confused whether what I said to him was funny or angering.

Few days later, dad bought a rainbow colored plastic membrane that he would put on the screen to cheat us that the images were colored. I found it funny and foolish later on since one corner of the membrane was blue and the other corner was red. When we watched National Geographic, Hyenas and Cheetahs began having chameleon magics and instincts since a cheetah appeared blue then as it ran to the left and caught the gazelle on the red side of the screen, the cheetah too became green.

Memories I tell you. 

Should I Compile Such Memories for My Autobiography ?       

         

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, © August 2015 ]

What Men Think And Want Immediately After Sex

Straight to the point, we normally want to think of something different. Something unrelated to the brain blow out experience we have just gone through. This is normally the perfect time for a man to think about playing a game of spider solitaire or even EA SPORTS FIFA. Most of all if she’s a new lady, then this is the perfect time to text close buddies and brag, “My nigga, mission accomplished! Case cleared! Chwilililililili!”

Other random thoughts include :

1.       Did she cum or she was faking it ? Does it really matter.

2.       Where is the remote ? I want to watch some UEFA Champions League finals replays

3.       If she’s ugly -I really hope she’s on the pill because if she ain’t, then we shall have a new endangered species on the discovery

4.       If she’s too ugly and you don’t want anyone to know you romped –This one will surely go as a wank

5.       If she’s too beautiful –This one is going to the wanking gallery for future references

6.       When She asks for round Two after a marathon - Come ooon ! I need twenty minutes to facebook first

7.       When She Tells The Man That She Feels Impregnated – I wish I aimed for her tits. I really hope she is not married

8.       When You Had It With Him For The First Time – I really have to fart. I wonder if I can blast one without her noticing. I hope she doesn’t ask me what I am thinking of right now because it will be the vaguest answer.

9.       When She Pointed Out A Serious Relationship Before The romp – Oh ! Shit, whats her name ? I wanna say it started with an R

   . Holy Shit, I made that weird orgasm face again but I am glad there is no more mystery here. Congratulations self.

Now You Know. Men just hate cuddling and sitting there saying nothing after accomplishing.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh, © June 2015]