We are here today to
celebrate the life of our friend, the late Reagan Kamajwala whom has just died
at 25 years old which means that he was born in the year 1989. Reagan was like
a grain of sand among the sandy beaches of siblings in his nuclear family
household.
Early
Life and Talent
His talent of being a
thief was first noticed by his mother’s ovary which watched in awe and wander
as Reagan stood with a gun at the gate of the ovary, stealing oxygen from his
fellow sperm cells who ended up being suffocated before entering the ovary. While
in his mother’s womb, he stole his way out by bribing the fallopian tube (just
in the way he would bribe prison guards in future to help him out) after just seven months because he feared the frisking
slap that would be done by the doctor after the normal nine months birth. His
reason for refusing to be born at nine months was that, if the doctor slapped
him, then the doctor would know his voice hence would act as a court witness in
future should Reagan be arraigned in court and charged for robbery.
His death though early,
it can’t be termed as “Gone Too Soon” but a “A Life Well Lived”. This is due to
the titanic manner with which his long hands which gave the hands of the
government competition, made a lot of people to fear him.
Work
In 1999, Reagan trained
himself through the availability of the genes within his DNA. He was taught
this craft of neck squeezing for money giving in the school of life.By then he
only had a rusty machete that he would cheat his poor victims that the machete
had rabies. He worked in several towns
due to the personal transfers and exiles he imposed unto himself each time
these towns would go poor.
His
Death
Many people meet their
untimely deaths but Reagan’s extra-thiefy life only ensured that he met a
timely death. This occurred on the 15th of December when the appetite
of his long hands lied to him to steal an electric fence so that he would use it
to fence his home. This is where he went wrong. If Kenyan pastors nowadays use
Chemistry lessons to help them preach, there is no doubt that Reagan should
have used Physics.
His death shall be put as
a memoir in the you tube videos of 1000 Ways To Die.
Neighbors
Comments
Reagan as our neighbor,
was probably born to parents who passed him the unique genes of stealing and robbing
because his was more of an inborn talent. Reagan was so perfect that he had the
ability to steal electronics from your “Home” in facebook. His long hands
talent were able to make him steal even things that had been thrown in a
dustbin. One day it was very cold as it had rained. Reagan broke into the
Central Bank Of Kenya, then broke into the dollars section and managed to steal
from a dollar, the coat that Abraham Lincoln wears on that dollar. Abraham
Lincoln’s face became so wrinkled as Reagan left him with only a vest. Reagan
put on the coat and walked away. This is the day I vowed to forever respect his
thuggish antics.
Reagan lived wonderfully
on earth. He not only touched our lives, but he always went the extra mile
of touching our pockets and purses too.
He had many hobbies which
he was very proud of. His favorite childhood game was : ‘Police and Thieves’.
Reagan loved his job with so much sarcasm. So much that he was the only man
from this village to find humor in robbing at gunpoint of my neighbor
Mr Onesmars who ended up fainting at the mentioned gun point.
Pastor’s
Final Words
It is quite ironic that
in his obsessive pursuit of making a living, he was also a pig of a man which
means that at least there is more tea left for each one of us. Therefore, being
the pig he was, it is with great respect that we gather here today to fill his
stomach with concrete.
The spirit of Reagan will
be with us forever and by spirit, I mean the overwhelming debts he has put us
through by his extravagance.
[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, In A Sombre Mood, Dec 2014]
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