His Hands On Her Waist, Her Eyes On His Eyes

His hand on her waist and her pupils focused onto his retina.Her left hand touched his hairy face as the ring on her engagement finger stroked his broad chin in rhythmic ecstasy.His tongue deep inside her warm wet mouth and the tongue being scratched by the space in her buck tooth while her warm breath hits his vehemently sweating greasy face that has longed for such a tender caressing.

Natasha was shorter than Bobito and so as they stood under that little mapera tree, Bobito pushed her gently against the trunk of the tree and as breathless as she was, she lifted her her left leg from beneath the denim skirt and curled the foot around Bobito's left thigh from behind as Bobito started to sigh from the heated snogs and Natasha so breathlessly held onto him tighter than TAVETA.She left her hand off his face then down Bobito's neck, then down his rough chest over his khaki shirt. The romance was getting hotter but not until her hand touched a hard thing...on Bobito's breast pocket.She reached out for it  by unzipping the khaki shirts breast pocket and taking out the package.Alas! It was a small velvet box. One of those little boxes you saw on afro sinema being given by Ramsey Noah to Genevieve Nnaji or y Emeka Ikke to Ini Edo.

Hehehehe!A chill of anxiety cancelled the romantic mood as she pushed away Bobito and ran a few meteres away from him to see the contents of the package.Bobito, so engulfed and weakened by the sudden halt of the romance, fall on the ground laughing and thanking God beacause finally he was home after 8 months to propose  to the woman he loved most. The woman was the beautiful Natasha. (A rather short lady with well kempt afro on her round skull with a black smooth skin glittering under her upper spectacles and the wide gap between her upper teeth  just the space you would think was made by God's dental chisel. Hehehe! Bobito on the other hand was a skinny man with a broad face and shaggy unkempt hair which was influenced by his constant love for reggae music by Bob Marley. Hehehe! I know you want the descriptions to go further.

Anyway, Natasha opened the little box slowly with her fingers shaking like my father's changaa influenced fingers. Natasha opened the box and saw a cute bronze ring glittering innocently with jealousy of quenching Bobito's love for Natasha.Unfortunately for Natasha, the ring was written, "Bobito weds Nicole!"Natasha felt a burning pain in her chest as the ring ring clearly spelt betrayal of love by Bobito the man she loved most. Natasha was faithful to Bobito and had never played him even during his 8 month trip to Malaysia. Was this Nicole bitch a Malaysian??? Just a question among the many that clogged her stressed mid as the volume of tears rose in the corners of her optical apparatus.

Bobito frantically rose from the grass, licking his lower lip and preparing for the next kiss from Natasha. He noticed the tears  rolling under her glasses."Natasha baby, why are you crying?"" Leave me alone bastard, " as she sobbed genuinely. "I'll be okay. Leave me alone. Now I know that love is a guessing game. You men are FAUNA who destroy the feelings of FLORA women." Natasha continued to curse Bobito poetically."Natasha I don't understand you.!Natasha looked at Bobito from nail to cheek then gave him a thunderous slap on his broad left cheek and down Bobito went."I hope this slap makes you overstand if you don't understand me now." Bobito fell on the ground still perplexed and spitting saliva to see if the bite on his tongue was severe.As Bobito lay on the ground, Natasha stood rooted with tears allover her blouse while she stared at the ring of betrayal.Then suddenly from he back, Edwin came."Bobito, I am sorry for you my man. I made a mistake when designing and smeliting your wedding ring, I curved the name NICOLE instead of NATASHA.""Natasha, I am sorry for hurting your love with Bobito. Nicole is the name of my wife and at the mention of love, I always think of her hence the confusion in the ring. I wish you would slap me rather than hurt your innocent Bobito."Edwin took a golden ring from his pocket, "Natasha, here is a replacement for the ring." The golden ring was glittering with marbles on it reading, "Natasha weds Bobito."On realizing how wrong she was, Natasha knelt down to pick Bobito and tell him how sorry she was for overreacting.Bobito didnt say a word but just hugged and kissed her on the forehead as she cried and Bobito whispering in her ears, "Natasha dear, it was my fault, I contracted an amateur ring curver.And the happy epilogue of this story was celebrated on a colorful aisle with a priest on board to officiate the cutting of the cake from Malaysia that Bobito had brought Natasha.

_______ END ______

[B.o.B 2013 A Whoof Deh, For The Perverts]

Bakari The House-Boy

Bakari is a houseboy of Kibaki.

Bakari is a houseboy who every day drinks the wine of his boss
and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank.But the
Boss having suspicion as for the quality of the wine he decides to
buy pastis wine (a french wine that changes colour if you add water)
Bakari as usual takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what
he drank.

However, after adding
water the pastis wine became milky. When Kibaki came back and
noticed it he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as a thief!!
At that moment Bakari realises he is in trouble and runs into the
kitchen

The Boss tells his wife " Mary you will see,today he will be obliged to acknowledge that he's a thief!" So he calls Bakari shouting

KIBAKI :"Bakari.!! "
BAKARI:"Yes boss"
KIBAKI :"Who drank my pastis?"
*no answer*
The boss repeats his
question:"Who drank my wine?"
*no answer*

kIBAKI goes to fetch Bakari in
the kitchen and asks him "Are u
insane or what?" When i call you
you reply yes boss but when i ask
you a question you dont answer
me! Why??"
Bakari replies "When you are in
the kitchen Boss you dont hear
anything at all except the name."
To prove that Bakari is lying.the
boss tells him "you stay here
beside Madam,i'l go to the kitchen
and you will ask me a question"
Bakari agrees and the boss goes
to the kitchen
BAKARI:"Boss!"
KIBAKI :"Yes Bakari"
BAKARI:"Who goes into the maids
room when madam is not here?"
*no answer*
BAKARI(shouts): "Boss who made
the maid pregnant?"
*no answer*
BAKARI(shouts again:"Who made
the maid pregnant?"
*no answer*
The boss came out of the kitchen
sweating and said "Bakari its
true,you were right when one is
in the kitchen you only hear the
name and nothing else,go and
continue with your work i have
no problem with you"

Space Between A Rock And A Hard Place

It was just another good morning filled with all sorts of nonsense cliché sounds of creatures and chilliness that my little brother can put in his composition to lure his standard four English teacher for unnecessary marks.I snoozed the alarm and cursed why the hell I had to set it to cry at 6.00a.m in the morning when dreaming about me being in my birthday party, celebrating and eating like Shiundu who got a feast at last.Shiundu was one of those weird Luhya characters whose stories you read about in primary school of how they were possessed with a demon of over eating capacity and had subscribed to unlimited saliva activation anytime they smelled food cooking.

Ha! Ha! Ha!, this is not Shiundu’s story, this is the story called, the space between a rock and a hard place.So, I just woke up because I needed to prepare for a small journey to Moi University to check if my poor name was on the list of the chosen finalists of the upcoming essay competition in Indonesia.I poured cold water into my purple basin and took my dirty shirt to use it as a towel because some nugu had stolen my towel from the cloth line the previous day it was too early or rather wasteful to buy another towel because real men don’t bathe daily.I strolled to the bathroom, closed the door, tasted the water with my hands and it was just too cold for my little backbone that cold was also eating and I was trembling like the aspen poplar tree due to the cold.I closed my eyes, counted one two three then a poured a handful of water to my back but I bet it was just too cold for  a man who bathes once in a week so as the water came back from the air to hit my poor back, I missed it deliberately. I jumped up and down thrice to sweat a bit after which I successfully poured the water on m y poor back and bathed in a supersonic speed. (Did I really have to use the word supersonic like my brother?) All in all, you understand what I mean? Good.I came out of the bathroom rushed towards my one roomed house and just by the door; I saw the space between a rock and a hard place starting to form. My door was empty and there was a huge cobra snake I think as long as three meters and it was resting its black scaly muscles on my dusty door mat. Wooi! My God. With only a boxer on me? And red and blue sandals on my feet ?Unfortunately for me, I saw my girlfriends mother walk near the gate and looking at me and of course I had nowhere to run. She looked at me and said “Hello” and I pretend to smile because she had seen my hard calfs with hairs allover when I was just hopin that she doesn’t figure them out hidden in a trouser near her neat daughter who has smooth legs. That aside, this is not the story of my girlfriend, it’s about the snake.I ran around the bathroom to look for a stick to kill the serpent, but when I came back, I found it gone. Alas! Gone where??????? Hey ! and my door was very much open. I couldn’t do anything until I thought of something cheeky.My neighbor was an animal farmer so I thought of a cheeky idea. I crept into his backyard with my “dirty towel shirt”, took one of his guinea pigs from their pen and put it into the shirt and slowly came home with it.I cut the sisal cloth line and tied it on the guinea pig’s neck then inched closer to the door and pushed the guinea pig into the open door then I waited far from the house just near the fence. I watched in awe for five minutes the I felt the rope shaking as the guinea pig came running out of the house with the cobra really slithering out.I pulled the little creature away into the farmers homestead and untied it and kept it into its house as the snake came towards me. I ran infront of the farmers house and shouted “snake”, then the farmer came out with his rake and the snake became history if not a fossil and I prepared for the journey and with the incident fresh on my mind, it had to be my latest story for the Indonesia creative writing competition.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh 2013, Composition Writing Teacher]