You may wonder why my craze for night running blogs never
ceases. Well its because : I was raised in some archaic village where
experiencing this weird athletic ordeal was not mitumba but first hand. Even the tin sheet roof recognized these
darlings of the cold and dark night.
Who Is This Man ?
My friend Omondi Billy Arnold, ‘A night runner is a person whose business is to run at night , naked
or half naked’.
My grandmother Gaudensia,’night
runners are people who are completely abnormal by day and completely normal at
night due to their compulsion to run at night’
My girlfriend Edith Nyaboke from Kisii, ‘Night runners are crazy people out for a jog in the cold. Perhaps their
houses are too hot, or they have no bedding’
Nowadays in Nairobi there are night runners too. Most of them
land in Nairobi as daytime watchmen for homes and companies. During the first
months, before they settle and get a house, of course they cant afford night
clubbing and they are too timid to be robbers so the best thing is to jog from
Kayole to Kangemi and complete the race in Lang’ata Cemetry.
Where Does It
Emanate ?
Night running is generally passed along the male bloodline
and in some weird cases to ladies conceived almost the same time as the
conception of male embryos. The good thing with the night running genes is that
they are non violent genes which are full of DNAs (Defined Nuisance Activities)
that focus on causing excitement and career enjoyment. Infact my grandmother’s
case studies confirm that if you have a passion for night running, then it
translates into daytime career enjoyment e.g. office work.
How They Do It
If you have read from my blog, Catching A Night Runner 1 and
2 and My Father In Law is a night runner, then for sure you are aware of how
night runners do their stuff.
Some night runners are believed to have mystic powers and
abilities that enable them to night run with animals e.g. cattle, dogs and even
mongooses. Fortunately for cows and goats from the Central Province of Kenya,
there are no night runners.
I hearsay that some cows in Central Kenya wish that they were
born in Western Kenya Region (Nyanza and Western Province) so that they enjoy
the ‘nightlife’. Only problem is that cows from Mombasa would be so tricky. You
night run with it for long, it gets bored and tired and turns into a Cownosaur
(dinosaur in form of cow). This one can freak you out as a night runner so you
must also turn into something that will scare this Cownosaur away, e.g turn
yourself into a Mchawisaurus. (Night – Runnersaurus)
Apart from literally scaring you to knock on deaths
gate, a night runner can scare you till
you pee cold urine. Are you now scared ?
It is said that if you stop a night runner when he’s running,
then the whole of his body swells. (Private parts included) So you must take
good care whether you are from the hermaphrodite gender or any gender for you
might find yourself deflating the swellings of the night runner.In short, you
must be a night runner too in order to stop a night runner.Interfere with him
and be ready to run for your life (Confirm from, My Father In Law Is A
Night-runner). I hope my friend Omondi Billy Arnold is now answered.
What I Hate About
Them
Night runners who have no animals to run with, have the
behavior of nightrunning with humans who sleep walk. E.g. their neighbors, children
and even wives. My friend Billy lives in Kayole but upto date, he still has no
idea how he found himself in Kangemi yet he neither drinks liquor nor smokes
weed nor sniffs the white lady.
But thank God, Kalenjins are not nightrunners. Billy could
have found himself in Baragoi, Eldoret or Tinderet or maybe Kampala.
How To Catch This
Jogger
The Donts
a)
Do not eat cold food.
These joggers are usually attracted to cold stuffs and thats
why they love running when the nights are cold. So they might magnetize you.
b)
Dont laugh
Their acts are comic, e.g. jogging and farting to the rythm
of the joggings. So if you laugh, they might think that you are a hyena or
monkey hence they would make you their running animal.
The Do’s
a)
The Unbolted Door
If he is the type that kicks your door at
night, just make the door look bolted so that when he comes and kicks, he lands
himself inside your house. Then you can burn his buttocks with a water heater.
If he hits the door with his buttocks, he will fall on his back and if she is a
female night runner, it might be your lucky night.
b)
Pour Grease or Cow Dung
Pour these on your veranda or on the grass
around your house and the belated jogger shall slide and probably break the
pelvis bone of his nose.
c)
Razor Blades On The Wooden Door or
Window
If he is the type that has no latrine at
his home and uses your doormat as a latrine then wipes himself on your wooden door, wooden window or
the corner of the house, kindly buy several razor blades and place them on
strategic places on the door, window or corner of the house. These blades will
pierce his buttocks then during the day, you can now follow the trails/tracks
of blood from his buttocks upto his house. This works the best.
