Team Mafisi's Happy New Year Wishes and Open Letter For 2016

Hyaenidae Ictitherium

P.O. BOX PrivateRoom,

Savanna Grasslands, KENYA.

TEL: +254 724 7777777

EMAIL: if.shes.ugly.cover.the.face.fire.the.base.destroy.the.evidence@yahoo.com

WEBESITE :  if.shes.ugly.it.will.go.down.as.a.wank.co.ke

To All Members Of Homo Sapien Sapien

P.O. BOX Life

Earth, WORLD.

31st December, 2015

Dear Sapiens ;

RE:     ABOUT HYAENIDAE ICTITHERIUM COME 2016

I just dropped a new single. It’s me I am single. I hope this is going to be a huge club banger in 2015 if not a private banger. This follows a series of wars between me and my team mate whom we ended our two human team by mutual concent to pave way for better fisilistic visions and resolutions of 2016.

I have had many long term minded team mates but after a short stint, I think its bad then I become single. I didn’t know the problem until I looked into the mirror and saw why.

Pizza wont divorce you, pizza wont cheat on you, pizza wont fight you. Why don’t people just date pizza ?Yes. But because its unrealistic, just be single for Genus Hyaenidae Species Ictitherium who will be free to play the role of pizza in 2016.

Since parting ways with my dear team mate, I have been more useless than even a calendar because at least a calendar has dates while I nolonger have. So come 2016, dear Sapiens of the xx genetical make up, give me dates.

I have been single for a better part of 2015 and I think come 2016, consistency is key. Read between the lines.

Have you ever faced a dry spell ? where each lady you try to make yours ignores you ? You stand alone next to a huge wall or on a cliff then you shout , “ You are beautiful, I love you!” and your echo replies, “I just want us to be friends!” Have you ever faced such a dry spell ? Well it’s my prayer that all Sacco members of our team don’t face such Satanic dry spells in 2016.

To all the Sacco Members, Alumni ,Graduands , Masters Students and Victims Slayed and Unslayed, we wish you a Happy New Year.

Signed

Hyenapithecus Ngonothropus

Seketepithecus

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh, Final Post For 2015]

A Sponsor Is Who ?

Definition : A sponsor/blessor is someone who may not be single or have the looks or have a close promixal age to the sponsee or even have bedroom prowess, but they must definately have a fat wallet and a generous demeanor. 

Typically, sponsors normally have a significantly large age difference between them and the sponsee, but given the rise in early financial breakthrough among the youth in recent times, sponsorship levels have risen within this young demographics. With age comes wisdom and money but little time to enjoy it, but there are also other natural characteristics that come with mature sponsorship; more often than not, these special characteristics lack in the younger generation of sponsors. Upcoming male sponsors, sponsor code states that:

1. Sponsors dont put on captioned tshirt and rugged jeans or these other fancy wears and accessories when going to the club; sponsors put on a checked longsleeved shirt and tuck in khaki pants. Having a kitambi, open shoes, suspender, a wrist watch, savco jeans, a company branded cap/tshirt and spectacles is an added advantage.

2. If you invite a lady to the club, make sure it is a place you frequent, preferrably a Rhumba joint-a place where waiters greet you respectfully "welcome sir" or better yet "karibu mkubwa" and rush to serve you because apparently you always tip them. Why Rhumba? Real sponsors dont listen to reggae, ragga, dancehall, genge, kapuka etc because it makes noise to their old ear drums, unless the sponsee proposes that they hop to a more youthful club.

3. When you've settled at the table and the waiter is taking orders, dont look at the waiter directly as if you are worried or hoping your company will not order something that will dent your wallet. Look away, probably at an imaginary car you parked or at the tv screen, or at the sky. Assume you dont care what will be ordered because pesa otas nigga. Once they've ordered, never glance at the bill or ask the waiter what you owe until you are ready to leave, then pay. ALWAYS say "keep change", even when there is no change to keep. If you fear the bill might make you amicus chonga viaziae, do a reconnaisance visit of the club prior to your official visit and tip the waiter to keep the budget low when bringing the menu-in other words only make certain drinks and foods available-so that they are within your budget.

4. Sponsors dont speak sheng. It is either kiswahili sanifu or english. And if they have to use sheng, it needs to be broken sheng or old school sheng, like hakuna diambo, manyanga etc

5. Sponsors dont talk too much; and whatever they say must be related to rhumba, benga, old school music, politics, the country's economy, or money making projects and investments. To better explain and illustrate themselves, they need to point and wave using their expensive phone and their car keys 

6. Sponsors dance slowly and gently, not too energetically. Having two left feet is an added advantage. And when dancing they dont sweat, unless the club AC is broken and their weight is taking a toll on them. Sweating is reserved for later, when malipo ya kunywa guarana uliyonunuliwa ni papa hapa duniani.

7. Sponsors are non-violent. And they dont shout at the club or beg for attention, they like peace and quiet. If they accidentally spill your beer they apologize by buying you two more. If you spill their beer they smile with you and tell you its okay, some will even ask if you've hurt yourself and help you to your seat.

8. Sponsors dont have time to katia a lady or dilly dally, they will go straight to the point "can i buy you a drink?" Which should be taken to mean "......then go to the guest house with you for the night and later give you some money".

9. Sponsors are not responsible for what happens to you or your biology after the encounter. Their obligation starts and ends at the money, treats or drinks, PERIOD. Its a caveat emptor relationship "buyer beware".

10. Sponsors dont receive or make calls at odd/family or business hours, unless they need a quickie after which that relationship ends until the convenience comes up again.

11. Sponsors dont attach emotion to temporary pressure-relieving-sponsorship-relationships. Whoever falls in love with a sponsor or expect a sponsor to fall in love with them is responsible for their own woes.

12. Whatever a sponsor spends on the sponsee, must be paid back in kind and in full one way or another, in the near or further future. That is the rule of the jungle. That said, sponsors are not stingy, they will, and should give you what you want.

Whoever performs the sponsor role but lacks the true character of a sponsor is a sponsor mwitu.

All a sponsor wants is some little dicreet company, maybe some orgasm no strings attached, PERIOD, and ofcourse they have the purchasing power for that.

Goodluck.

By, Jaduong' Thinktank Okello

2017, May

Follow Him on Facebook @ Collins Thinktank Okello

The Day My Father Died

April 1999
Kayole, Nairobi - Kenya

His cousin who worked at Kenya Airways came driving an old school maroon Volvo car. He packed it outside the one storey flat and galloped the stairs to the red oxide corridor then into our house. My mother looked at him, a refracting tear ball forming at the base of her eyelids as she watched him twitch and gasp for breath weakly in the unspread bed.

His cousin helped her carry him like delicate sack. He held his trunk downwards and my mother clutched onto his black leather jacket that would threaten to slide from his emaciated body. They carried him carefully downstairs and into the rear seat of the maroon Volvo where they helped him try to sit straight as they tried to fit his turquoise pair  of trousers well on him as it had slid to the hind and the hind to the front. He looked at me and forced a smile that seemed to say that he'd be fine and should he depart to the land of no return, then well and good, life is just a trip, even death has a reason.

My mother told our neighbour, Mama Evelyn to take care of me and my little brother should she not return overnight. My brother was at this age where children crawl and feed on anything their fingers can grasp including soil and what can be its contents not excluding crawling arthropods. The Volvo dashed away into the yonder near Kayole One primary school as I carried my brother back to the house.

In the evening, Mama Evelyn took us to her house at the ground floor where we slept on her daughter's bed (Evelyn's bed) as she wasn't around. She was my childhood crush by the way but tonight I didn't feel a thing for her smile, brown skin or fluffy nature that sapped cheekiness out of my anatomy.

In the morning, I heard our door slam from upstairs then painful wailing pierced the thin and silent air. It was my mother's voice. I looked at my sleeping brother, he was unaware and probably dreaming that he's playing with butterflies. I ran upstairs to our house and when I saw my mother's face and heard the words of peace and comfort that one or two neighbours who were already there saying to her as she sobbed, I could tell it all.

My artist was dead
My father was dead
My life he'd fled
Tears I shed

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh - R.I.P ; Return If Possible, April 2017]

12 Reasons To Never Date An Artist

1. Don't assume that our jobs are easy. Creative work involves a lot of mind shifting and boggling. Sometimes we just need to be silent and lazy around to get the inner peace needed for an artist’s creativity. In short, don’t interrupt while I daydream

2. If I fail, don't laugh or make fun of me or my art.

3. I don't want to draw you naked. You are not Kate Winslet and I am not Leonardo Di Caprio and our relationship is not Titanic.

4. I am going to call colours by their names. Tivoli gold, Magenta, Gerenium Red, Cornflower blue, Bermuda Blue etc so just get over it

5. I am ruled by FEELINGS and weird emotions and to get over those emotions or execute them properly, I need space alone but don't worry, I'll be right back.

6. For our female counterparts in art, they never have nail polish or manicure on their figures because our hands are for creating art, not looking pretty. I will show up at dinner with paints under my fingers. Come on.! It’s not dirt, its art. Baby, you will never be touched by clean hands again even in places that can’t be mentioned in public

7. All bills are on you. Get that right. Read it again. Yes. I mean it.

8. My dressing is an extension of my creativity so expect to see serious style and fashion risks sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Moreover, I have tried all types of hairstyles, from long to short to coloured so I hope your mum is not the type to be scared by appearance

9. I hate authorities and rules so don't try to rule me or try to argue because I won’t allow you to win any argument and if you find yourself winning arguments, then know that we have already broken up or we are beginning to slowly break up

10. I will want to argue/fight with you so that I get a good story to write on my new poem/play/narrative so take care

11. Our mantra is, ‘Rules were meant to be broken/bent’. We make our mistakes appear like they were planned. Imagine having done a magnificent portrait then as I sign up, paint blobs on it. I will let it remain there then say it’s a new design and people will accept it. The same principal applies in real life. Catch me red handed kissing another girl and I will convince you that it’s a prank.

12. I live in a land far beyond your imagination so don’t treat me normally. Treat me like you would treat a mad man who I'd normal

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh , June 2016, I am An Artist Too]

Eulogy Of My Future Ex

Let me borrow a line from William Shakespeare, “ Friends, Romans, Countrymen, friends and foes, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Caesar not to praise him”.

I want to write and read this eulogy in Latin for it only seems fitting to read a dead language at such a funeral.

I would have loved to call her by name but for security purposes, I won’t. Let’s say if I would love her name to be in the alphabet, then it would have to be starting with the 28^th letter of the alphabet. Nameless to be precise.

She was born in Kondogbia Village in Seme District Kisumu West in a village full of sadness. I hope she’s in a happier place now but let’s be honest, you don’t get struck by lightning during a sunny day because God loves you you know. But still we can hope.

I met her in 2012 when I was I campus. She always claimed she has a good heart and often refused to take a bottle of beer in  my company. I wonder why organ transplant black market agents are not here to purchase her organs. Any organ agents present ? None ! 

She wasn’t a rich lady, she wasn’t a proud lady neither was she a top top model. So I suppose, what I am really saying is that lets hurry. There’s a cake back at her house and if we hurry we might as well catch the Manchester United vs Arsenal game live on her flat screen. 

Her Female Neighbour’s Words

She seduced my husband, spreadvicious rumors about me and got me fired from my dream job. All I want to say is that I really want to be in the front line when we start pouring soil onto her coffin.

My Final Word

Let us give thanks to the Lord for in his infinite love and wisdom for us all, he’s taken her to heaven just before her prime. Rest in peace The Jezebel of my dreams.

The Pastor’s Final Words

Ashes to ashes dust to dust, wait a minute. Her smart phone really looks nice. Does it still have a warranty ? let me try my sim card in it.

What more can I say about the deceased ? I didn’t know her personally but friends and members of her extended family have contributed generously to my parish. God bless.

[ B.o.B A Whoof Deh, December 2015, Mourning ]

Don't Tell Ladies I Said The Following

Understanding women has been rated top among the most difficult things to do in the world which apparently include breaking diamond. Diamond is the worlds hardest object yet its hardness comes second after the hardness of understanding women. I dont know why.

As I start the intercourse of this post, I want to tell you that in a relationship or marriage, one person is always right while the other person is the husband. This right person is very hard to understand because most of the times, she wants to be like the girl on the magazine cover yet even the girl on the magazine cover doesnt know who she is in real life.

Make Up

We all know that some ladies take less time to make up their minds than their faces so in most cases its best to judge this book called ‘Women’ by the cover because thats where more time was spent.

Those Who Seek Advice In Newspapers

Ladies are the first ones to write to Dr Cupids of daily newspapers saying, ‘Dear Dr Cupid, I am a single girl becasue i dont likr commitments but every guy friend  i have wants them so i friend zone them until they are annoyed... How do i find good guy friends who dont want to have sex or start a relationship ? i want a nice friend to hang out with and go out with ! what is your advice.’As far as i know myself, my answer would be :

Answer : If you want great guys you can hang out with and dont have sex with, you can look for men whose behaviors include putting on pink T-Shirts written ‘Daddy’s Angel’. These men are called GAY. These men will never try to have sex with you. Infact they will f*ck every man that tries to f*ck you. In short , boo boo, you cant find a straight dude that never wants to have sex. Good Luck.

Ladies Who Want Men With Beards

Some ladies want men with beards yet when they get men with beards, they claim that the beards are not manly. Such ladies go on to insult beardless men as men with foreheads extended to their chins. I have never heard of feminine beards. My advice to this type of ladies would be that they go and kidnap male chimpanzees whose beards are as manly as desired. Generally, my girlfriend loves my beards because she claims that whenever we kiss, she feels an arousal by the prick of the beards which is kind of weird. My analysis of ladies who love men with beards however is that, no beard shaving translates to money saved for picnics, pizzas and weave purchase and if there shall be no money at all, then we shall get hair from the beard.

Still on the beard talk, ladies love when they kiss you and they grab something long at least the beards for those with not so long zig zillas. Okay, lets continue.

Of The Lame Reasons Ladies Give US To Avoid Sex

‘I can hear the neighbors still chatting.’ Are they chatting in our room ? Come on !

‘I am angry with you!’ Okay, but you are not angry with my zigzilla. This reason is very lame

The lamest reason has to be, ‘I am not in the mood’. Very soon we shall start hearing reasons like, ‘Oh! I am your sister!’ Blah blah blah. 

To The Babel

These ladish behaviours normally confuse ;

a1.      Ladies want to eat fries, pizza, chicken, chocolate and macaronni and still expect to shape up like Rihanna. Come on ladies, there is no way this is going to happen. (Circle shape looming)

b2.      Some ladies want to walk on high heels for the first time and still manage not to look like a gully creeping kangaroo walking on its hind legs. Come on, i know there is a first time for everything but at least, practice at home before you set foot in public for perfection

c3.       Some ladies post photos of themselves on instagram , half naked, posing like an lizard climbing a tree, holding a wall as if the wall is going to fall, one finger on lips while she bites them, one eye closed, left leg folded upwards orgasmically and still feel bad when normal men like me call them whores

d4.      Ladies who apply the wrong red lipstick, then the sun shines and as the lipstick peels off, they expect to look like Rihanna yet they look like some caricature i sketched with my left foot on my sketch book

e5.      A girlfriend  who refuses being taken to a Mental school yet she  scrolls my phone book and shouts at me, “I went through your phone book, who the hell is Mum!”

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, Don't Tell The Ladies I Roasted Them, September 2015 ]

Our First Television Set ; Greatwall ? No !

[The Year 1998, Kayole One-Nairobi]

Exposition

We had never owned one before. The only piece of electronic we owned was some archaic Panasonic cassette radio that you used a pencil or a biro pen to rewind the cassette when it had played fully yet you wanted to save power because you wanted to conserve yourdry cells.

Daddy hated Great Wall (G.W) Television sets for one, they were too red and too common like the percentage of idiots in the universe and two, one day a neighbor bought a G.W TV set and as he was unpacking the ‘gadget’ home the maid said, “Wow! That’s a Coca-Cola crate!” Daddy disliked such embarrassing comparisons that pitted his expensive living gadgets to non-living gadgets like crates.

So Daddy Bought It

So dad bought this black and white National Star Television Set together with a wet cell called “Dynamite Electrolite”. We would charge this wet cell after every two weeks but as time moved on,the two weeks became a week and two quarters.

I homed in from school to find mum and dad watching cartoons. They kept analyzing the non-importance of cartoons (I guess to some adults). I was so excited and jumped on my father shouting “Weweeeeeee!”, running to the corridors , balcony and downstairs of the flats to the neighbours, I shouted, “Tumenunua Tiii Viii! Kwa akina Bob ni Kunooomaaa!”(We have bought a television. Bobs house is super). I didn’t even take off my uniform. I danced to any entertaining soundtrack on tv including adverts like the Chipsy advert. That is the day I was so excited until I danced news at 9:00pm. 

Life With The TV

Mum then became a typical African mother by taking advantage of the TV to make me help her do this and that. Especially that because obviously that is a bit far while this is here. She often sent me, “Go to the shop, buy me cooking oil then when you come back , I will open the tv for you’. I became Usain Bolt if not a Cheetah.

From time to time, daddy would turn the antenna from the roof top near the balcony until all the rice/rain had left the screen. He later delegated this role to me so that I developed bragging rights among my age-mates who couldn’t remove the rice from the screen. One of our neighbours kids loved food so much. One day while we watched tv, I shouted that the rice had come. Coincidentally, this kid’s mum had cooked beans. The kid Bolted outand Usained back with beans soup in a blue plate.We laughed.

I was constantly amazed by the anthill swelling on the back of the TV and I would constantly say, “Mummy, hii TV yetu iko kama Mama Egra” (Mum, our TV is like Egra’s Mum). Mama Egra was our neighbor and she was pregnant at the moment. Case closed. I asked how people entered the TV. Mum told me that she normally woke up at 5:00am while I was still asleep to put the people in through the swollen back of the TV through the hole where the antenna entered. I immediately developed a habit of waking up at 5:00a.m only to realize that I had been pranked to develop a behavior of waking up early for morning preps to do my homework. At that age, homework was fun though, maybe because homework was only drawing patterns and utensils.

There was a local soap called Tausi, we loved it so much. This is the day when mum cooked supper at 5:00pm so that between 5:00pm and 7:30pm, we would reminisce and narrate the past episodes and expectations of the next episode today. We were so happy to have a weak antenna that only received KBC Channel because if it received other channels, dad would obviously look for football which mum didn’t like. I didn’t care though, I loved football too. Truly kids unite parents.

For several weeks, my life revolved around the TV especially when visitors came and mum had spread some lacings (vitambaa) on the TV. I would ask questions like ;

“Mum have you seen my drawing book ? I left it on top of the TV” or something like, “Mum, the visitor has put on a trouser copying the color of our television!”

When visitors visited us or even neighbors coming to say hi, I would embarrass them by saying, “I know you have come to watch our TV”. One angered male visitor pinched me hard after I cliched him that and as I cried, he started laughing at me. I was confused whether what I said to him was funny or angering.

Few days later, dad bought a rainbow colored plastic membrane that he would put on the screen to cheat us that the images were colored. I found it funny and foolish later on since one corner of the membrane was blue and the other corner was red. When we watched National Geographic, Hyenas and Cheetahs began having chameleon magics and instincts since a cheetah appeared blue then as it ran to the left and caught the gazelle on the red side of the screen, the cheetah too became green.

Memories I tell you. 

Should I Compile Such Memories for My Autobiography ?       

         

[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh, © August 2015 ]

What Men Think And Want Immediately After Sex

Straight to the point, we normally want to think of something different. Something unrelated to the brain blow out experience we have just gone through. This is normally the perfect time for a man to think about playing a game of spider solitaire or even EA SPORTS FIFA. Most of all if she’s a new lady, then this is the perfect time to text close buddies and brag, “My nigga, mission accomplished! Case cleared! Chwilililililili!”

Other random thoughts include :

1.       Did she cum or she was faking it ? Does it really matter.

2.       Where is the remote ? I want to watch some UEFA Champions League finals replays

3.       If she’s ugly -I really hope she’s on the pill because if she ain’t, then we shall have a new endangered species on the discovery

4.       If she’s too ugly and you don’t want anyone to know you romped –This one will surely go as a wank

5.       If she’s too beautiful –This one is going to the wanking gallery for future references

6.       When She asks for round Two after a marathon - Come ooon ! I need twenty minutes to facebook first

7.       When She Tells The Man That She Feels Impregnated – I wish I aimed for her tits. I really hope she is not married

8.       When You Had It With Him For The First Time – I really have to fart. I wonder if I can blast one without her noticing. I hope she doesn’t ask me what I am thinking of right now because it will be the vaguest answer.

9.       When She Pointed Out A Serious Relationship Before The romp – Oh ! Shit, whats her name ? I wanna say it started with an R

   . Holy Shit, I made that weird orgasm face again but I am glad there is no more mystery here. Congratulations self.

Now You Know. Men just hate cuddling and sitting there saying nothing after accomplishing.

[B.O.B A Whoof Deh, © June 2015]