Mayai Boil Brought To Court

A man was yesterday arraigned in a digestive system court and charged with causing abdominal incitement, violence and rapture and blockage of digestive highway contrary to the feeding clause 1pm Lunchtymo of the Meals New Constitution. Mr. Mayai Boil was put before principal Magistrate Actal and Eno where he pleaded guilty to the charges of being half cooked and jointly charged with collaborating with rotten friends like stale Beans Madondo of Korogocho Slums Hotel to cause the alleged rapture in Mr. Wafula's gastric area. (stomach) Mr Mayai Boil pleaded guilty to the charges and was flashed out on a fine of 10bob for hiring advocate eno and 5bob for hiring lawyer actal. However, Mr Wafula was also given a 24hour sentencing to hard labour through having to hang around his toilet and squatting with eyes tightly closed and letting out Mr. Mayai Boil and Company from the said premises as a punishment aimed at making MR. Wafula to stop eating anyhowly in dirty vibanda hotels.

Story Of A Little Boy Lost In A Forest

One day a street boy went into a deep forest to look for fruits. He climbed trees and gathered the best fruits he could and when he was almost through, a very heavy thunderstorm started.It rained as if it was raining upon the sinful mystic dogs and cats in a jerrican of Mombasa.The poor street boy decided to look for cover before the thunderstorm could stop so that he could walk back to the city 10 kilometers away safely with his hard earned supper.Fortunately for the boy, he found a warm isolated cave just beneath a rock where the rain water couldn’t flow into.He opticated inside to see what was inside but there was nothing.  Just warm red volcanic soil with smooth terraces on it as if someone usually plays a game of pulling a sack full of cereals on that ground.He decided to choose the warmest corner of the cave and coil up himself and maybe take a nap. As he napped, flashlights from the sky could draw rays of lights at the backdrop of his retina each minute as thunder struck outside each minute burning the trees severely. He was so afraid of the thunder as he saw a gazelle running outside the cave and being super electrocuted by the voltages from the pouring heavens. What if something came into the cave to attack him? That was a question for later or maybe just fantasy but for now, little street boy had to focus on his little nap and wait for the thunderstorm to halt.As fate and coincidence would coin it, the rain continued to dazzle and pour like waterfalls from heaven were running for gravity. Suddenly, trees just above the cave started to rattle. The sound wasn’t that of thunder. It was a unique sound as if a bulldozer was rolling on top of the cave. The noise got louder and louder as the dry soil above the little boys head in the cave started dropping dustily.Little boy knew something was coming into the cave. But he couldn’t run out because the flowing waters would grab him immediately.Before he could think of what to do, the lights from the sky that lit the cave a few seconds ago dimmed gradually as the rolling sound outside cam towards the mouth of the cave. His heart started to thump and his breath accelerated like the fan of a new computer.A sparkling multi-coloured skin of a huge reptile appeared at the mouth of the cave gliding slowly and blocking the caves mouth so our little fried couldn’t run out. In short, he was security coded without a password because it was a very big python seeking shelter from the rain just like our little hopeless friend.Little poor friend couldn’t shout because he would arouse the reptile. All he did was coil himself even smaller in order to occupy a quarter GB of the cave’s space that he was occupying temporarily since the owner of the house had just arrived. Little boy had never battled even a lizard but today, he was facing the mother of snakes.The python slithered halfway with the boy already trembling like poplar tree. The python opened its mouth wide as if to yawn first before swallowing the little boy. Then it closed its mouth and rested its head on the ground. The boy was so scared as he knew that the reptile was just saying a prayer to the father in heaven for providing it with its daily bread.The python remained that way for the next 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, 8 hours 12 hours then 24 hours while blocking the mouth of the cave with the boy fearing to walk out because he might step on the praying python.Suddenly, he saw a thin sickly and very old hyena near the mouth of the cave chewing something. His fears reached 103% because, a hyena had added up itself on the python’s little menu.Alas! The hyena was eating the python. The python was dead all this long. It wasn’t praying. When it opened its mouth wide, it was letting out the last cry to death. Yes, it had been struck by thunder and lightning and it was dead.The boy couldn’t fear an old sickly hyena so he shouted from inside the silent cave and the hyena ran away for its dear life thinking that another python was out to revenge. Of course our little boy ran out, picked his fruits just outside the cave in his polythene bag and ran towards the city 10 kilometers away.                                                                          (END)    

Death And Funeral Announcement Of The Late Omena

Its with deep sorrow and humble acceptance that we announce the death of Mama Petronillah Omena of Lake Victoria. She was a dear sister to John Tilapia adn Phoebe Mbuta of River Nile, Daughetr in Law to Edith Mud-Fish of Great Lakes USA and Nicholas Catfish of Red Sea if not Agnes Whale of Kesses Dam. A dear customer to Bifwoli Bifwoli and Tsimonjero Mgongo Wazi of Kibra. Omena's burial will take place at Sufuria Gardens near Frying pan Stadium. The flower girls who will dance at the ceremony are tomatoes, dhania and kitunguu saumu of Bangla Pesa Mombasa. The flower girls will be dancing to the hit song "Pole Samaki Pole" produced by Pwani Oil Refineries. Omena's Euology shall be read by Pastor Eric Omondi of the all THINNERS Repentance Cathedral and the Charcoal that shall be used to cook Omena will be made of non other than Daniel Churchil Ndambuki Mwalimu Kingang'i Black Bleaching Agents for Charcoal Production in Kativoo Kitui East. The undertakers shall be the villi of the small intestines of Marlboro Karao Police Station who shall rpovide security to omena's coffin against Minyoo haramu sent by Ambusi Deh of Ghetto Mburrrrrrrrrukenges. Omena shall be laid to rest at the Choo Za Kanjo Holes of Muthurwa Market and shall be recievd by uncountable worms. rest in Peace Omena Petronilla. We Loved you but Choo Loved you most. B.O.B

Marriage

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always correct and the other person is the husband. During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and wife listens. In the second year, the wife speaks and husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. SPOTTED ON A MARRIED MAN'S T-SHIRT : "All Women are devils, but my wife is QUEEN.... of them all !! A man is incomplete until he marries. Immediately he marries, he becomes finished. Before marriage, a man YEARNS for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent. 

Mwanaume NIIIII ???

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Mwanaume niiiiiii ??????