There is no doubt that Edith Nyaboke was on
another planet all together when it came to looks, height, smooth neck and thin
magnetic lips.
Nyaboke was such a beautiful lady that you
thought she was a cock-tail of all the beautiful pop stars. Her eye balls were of
Beyonce, her skin was hers, height of Naomi Campbell, lips of Cherine Anderson,
ego of Malia and Sasha evident by their thin bloodline of the Kenyan lakeside
etc. she was just beautiful because all her body parts seemed plucked from the
ideal body part of a certain celebrity and assembled to form this vast and intense creation
called Edith Nyaboke.
Her smile was enough to make a man withdraw
any amount of money from his ATM to maintain it without the contours of sorrow
normally formed on the faces of ladies who don’t use body lotion like Edith. Her
height was the one of a medium sky scrapper and all my life, I have always
wanted a taller lady. Her neck was smooth and created a space between her head
and shoulders that was a jig saw fit to rest my head whenever I would want to
hug her.
Unfortunately, she was Claire’s neighbor but
I wasn’t going to care because Claire was now in USA and Edith Nyaboke was
here. Nyabs, was more than a crash to me. Infact she was a smash to me. She is
one of those ladies that you would never imagine that do things like : going to
the toilet, spitting saliva etc. she was too heavenly for those things.
She was daddy’s girl. Her father always
walked with her even now that she was a form three in Obwango Bwango Girls High
School. Her father still flossed around with her as if she was some golden
chain give to him by Lil Wayne and autographed by Barrack Obama’s left hand.
Anyway, she was the kind of a girl that every father would love to protect.
Her brothers were too cruel and protective
and if you dared pass around their home looking suggestive of requesting
Nyaboke for a hand in a picnic or hand in writing you her phone number, then
they would let their very mad “sese” chase you and even bite your left
buttocks. Now “sese” is just a dog in the Kisii vernacular. But
I wonder the delicacy and satisfaction that Nyaboke’s dogs got from biting the
left side buttock of boys.
Just the other holiday, the seses badly wounded the son of the chief
of Nyamataro village by scratching his buttocks. He had attempted to seduce
Edith and when the two brothers saw him, they alerted the two best friends of
man unto the chief’s boy and were it not for him jumping the fence, his
buttocks could have been rabid. As he jumped the fence, the dogs tried to hold
his buttocks but could only scratch. He couldn’t sit in class because his
buttocks were temporarily crippled of the sese
scratch.
If the dogs could do this to the son of the
village chief, what could they do to the son of a peasant matoke farmer ? Definitely
they would feast on my bony buttocks, and the way dogs love bones?
None the less, I didn’t fear a thing because
I was ready to pay the price of kissing Edith in public and challenging the
dogs for a race as I was also training to be the next village Bolt during inter
class athletics competitions in Mapurulundi Secondary School where I was a form
three. By the way I just hated the way each time the composition saying, “I ran
as fast as my thin skeletonous legs could carry me”, was said in class, then
everyone would look at my monolithic legs and laugh.
That aside, I was on a weird mission. To kiss
Edith in public and run away without fear of the dogs. Her lips were just
irresistible.
Fast forward, the weekend came. As usual,
Edith and her two brothers were taking a walk in Kisii park and playing poker.
Their dogs were there with them taking naps as if they were tired of meditating
on whose buttocks were next to be bitten or scratched. Their father joined them
shortly with his golf sticks as he had just been golfing within the same park.
Anxious blood relayed in electric neurons
speed within my veins as I started to walk towards them with my ever dry lips
shining today because of my grandmother’s milking jelly that I lip balmed
myself with on this day.
Walk, walk, walk then, boom! I arrived.
Hesitated for a second, greeted them, bent as if to talk to them then in a
flash, grabbed Edith by her ears and drenched her thin lips with saliva then
took off.
The dogs were quickly alerted as the two boys
began chasing me with their father’s golf sticks.
I didn’t expect these boys to run so. I
negotiated a corner as the dogs took another route thinking it was a short cut.
I knew that the dogs would smell me so I sprayed myself with the perfume I
carried in my pocket on that day so that I disguised my smell.
The two “Bolt and Golf Stick” brothers were
just fifteen metres away from me as my energy began to die. I knew I was going
to be done and dusted. I negotiated
another corner and jumped into a small bush and squeezed my poor self there
regardless of the Sodom apple thorns.
The two brothers arrived at the corner and
saw no one. “Kwani ameyeyuka?” (Has
he melted ?) One asked as they looked
around in dismay. As I hid in the bush, I didn’t know that I was right on top
of a red/safari ants hole and that these ants were already rushing from the hole and
entering my clothes via my pair of shorts. The ants started biting me and I felt some crawling inside
my boxer. I couldn’t shout or cry because the boys began patrolling towards the
bush that I was in and that this would alert them.
I trembled but I didn’t move because that
would pronounce a dog bite and a golf clubbing by the Nyaboke kins. Seconds
later, a black snake emerged from the ants hole and it was what the ants were
running away from. I knew I was finished the moment the snake opened its mouth
ready to strike and as I shouted, “HEEEEEELLP! HELP!,” my grandmother woke up
and rushed towards my papyrus mat where I slept.
It was such a sweet dream that I thought I
must share with you people.
[ B.O.B A Whoof Deh ©, October 2014, Athletically Hypothetical Dream]
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