‘A first year is supposed to be seen and not
heard’. That is what
my grandmother Gaudensia told me when I was joining campus. ‘Just act like a fool!’, she added. My
friends from campus can bear you witness that I followed this properly until
they were left to wonder at times if I ever passed my form four examinations.
But
true to the aforementioned phrase, I literally believe that a first year is
supposed to be seen, take for instance : You sit next to the busiest campus
street, whoever you see in new denim/jeans trousers with new cloth stickers
still hanging on them like they are advertising the trouser company, no need to
tell you that this is a freshman we are talking about here.
You
see a lady struggling to walk in stilettos/wedge/high heels, like she is a
kangaroo dancing gully creeper, that’s probably a fresh girl fresh from the
village and was promised her first pair of heels if she could defy the odds of
the gods of stupidity in her village and passed exams to join campus.
While
I was in first year, I didn’t know that the hostel we stayed in was only for
first years. So on the first night, at 5:00a.m in the morning, I heard the next
door neighbors wake up and pick their cups and ran towards the administration
block to serve the morning porridge like they used to do in high school. The
security men at the administration blocked laughed them off and told them that
in campus, people ate in a Mess. So during lunch, the fresh men went into a
hotel and ordered all meals possible, sat on top of tables, making noise,
eating, throwing food, dancing and chattering like standard one monkeys. They
were literally eating in a “Mess” can you guess ? They ended up in the school’s
K.M.T.C i.e. Krazy Mental Test Clinic.
I
strongly believe that the university failed in the orientation of first years
especially in the social realms. The university only focused on orientation
based on the school rules on the Green Book of school rules that the Security
General of the university crammed the way he had crammed the colours of his
wife’s toothbrushes. Come on general, these rules are meant to be crammed by
students. Find a way of programming an operating system for humans to install
these rules in these fresh men.
Of
course when you walk into a pub and see a man struggling to cough and smoke
simultaneously and pretending to be dancing in a possessed manner anytime the
dee jay plays reggae music, just know that this is a first year who needs to be
caned properly because he is cancering himself contrary to the parents beliefs
that he is in an academic trip. Yet it is just a trip by nicotine to cloud
nine.
Parents,
some of you simply score excellently in ignorance. Your son is pursuing
Sociology yet he convinces you to send him money for an academic trip to planet
Pluto then you agree. He is not even doing Geography. So who is he going to
Socialise with in Pluto ? Plato or Aristotle? Your first year kid becomes even
more creative and tells you, ‘daddy, add
me more money. You know we shall have a stop over in Mars and I want to buy
Aristotles geometric set in a bookshop over there because they sell more
original sets customized by Aris himself before he died’. And you get so
excited at how bright your son is that he even knows that Aristotle was
nicknamed ‘Aris’.
On
my orientation day, I sat next to a lady called Mercy. Second name withheld for
the purposes of my strong Christian faith. It was love at first sight and I
became her personal orientor with immediate effect for the rest of the semester
because she too fall in love at first sight and in this case love was not only
blind but also deaf because she focused so much on the things I was telling her
till she forgot to hear the VCs speech of orientation. I must say that I
oriented her well for the whole semester without competition. We used to do the
orientations in my hostel room, in her room and during clubs picnics and
outings within campus.
A
first year is just a first year. It’s on the orientation day that I witnessed a
lady from the school of arts and social sciences come in her full high school
uniform to the meeting thinking that it was going to be like a high school
parade. Of course we laughed and from that day on, she lost her self esteem
terribly never to be redeemed easily because no man wanted to seduce a lady who
doesn’t know that in campus people do not wear school uniforms. Her self esteem
got a boost when newer fresh men who didn’t know her uniform parable joined
campus and started seducing her cougarly.
Funnily,
my first year room mate couldn’t be spared the rod because he used to sleep in
the next days attire so that he just woke up and rushed to class. His name was
Paul. A very weird character who didn’t even know how to cook. On the first
day, he attempted to cook ugali using a spoon and that’s the day I swore never
to cook with him again. He though relieved me comically one day when he wanted
to roast peanuts using cooking oil. To me this was the joke of the year because
I have never seen groundnuts being oiled on a pan.
All
said and done, I am planning to hold a hunger walk in all campuses to convince
all university administrators to embrace social orientation or else, male
students shall be taking the humble advantages engraved in the ‘personal
orientation of a female first year’.
[B.O.B
A Whoof Deh – Analyse and Keep My Words, October 2014 ©]
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