My girlfriend Claire was a
form two in Alliance Girls National School while I was in form one in
Mapurulundi Mixed Day and Night Secondary School. The name of that school made
me think of the sound made by a night-runner when being chased inside a nappier
grass plantation by a hungry dog which has just given birth and its stomach is
too empty and it can swallow a night runner whole.
So Claire and I had a date. She loved me so much because I used to write her nice poems to irrigate her poetic tree and desires of love. On this day I wrote her a poem whose lines went this way ;
So Claire and I had a date. She loved me so much because I used to write her nice poems to irrigate her poetic tree and desires of love. On this day I wrote her a poem whose lines went this way ;
" My baby Claire
Love is in the air
Tonight we got a date
I'll meet you at your house at a quarter to eight
So my baby Claire dont be late"
Love is in the air
Tonight we got a date
I'll meet you at your house at a quarter to eight
So my baby Claire dont be late"
For
once, I shedded my skin of comedy and became romantic just for this bird of my
nest by the name , "CLAIRE".
So I bathed thrice and ensured that I stole my grandmothers "KAMUA" i.e the milking jelly. I ensured that I didnt walk in the sun because if I sweated, then the milking would make me smell crude oil being refined in Libya near a mortuary so its double smell of crude oil and corpses.
I also stole my elder sister's spaghetti top thinking it was a swagful vest for such a love mood.
8pm sharp, I cheated my grand mother that I was going for a long call in the nappier grass because we didnt have a toilet. So my granny accepted and I walked happier than a happy king towards Claire's home.
Villagely enough, I had to use "majestic methods" to get her out of their house because her rude and muscular father was inside and her mother too was there. Claire was a copyright of her mother, infact I thought they were twins. The difference was that Claire's mum was very harsh and could skin your tongue and feed it to her dog if she thought that you were looking at Claire in a manner likely to suggest that you may kiss Claire in future.
So I used my Village methods and screamed like a puppy in pain, " AUU ! AUU !AUU ! And Claire's dad said, " Claire, go check the puppy! " I was so happy at the succesful method and waited romantically for Claire to come out and see the "puppy".
Unfortunately, she tried to open the door but it was too bolted and her dad said, "Just leave the door, let me open it and see the puppy by myself."
He oppened the door and surely saw the puppy wagging its tail happily and he said, "this puppy smokes bhang, it shouts without a reason yawa." All this while, I squatted still next to the thorny K-Apple fence and shrank like a paper bag near a fire because Claire's father was cruel like uncensored fire.
Claire's father walked towards the fence straight to where I was as my heart began to thump in unrest like un-used stones in a GorMahia fan's brief case after a mashemeji derby match.
Claire's father was taking a short call and he unzipped right above my back and started letting out some warm uric excretions not only on my back but on my elder sister's spaghetti which could shrink if washed with warm water because it was made in China.
I couldnt move a bit because Claire's father would beat me like a burukenge from the gym beating a thin burukenge which has no muscles.
I waited until he let out the last warm drop on my back and walked away to the house and closed. I was so frustrated. I hadnt seen my angel, I was smelling 56year old urine, my sister was going to beat me over her vest. Oh! Mwadhani !
Fortunately, Claire's door oppened and I saw someone like her walk out in a lesso and a white T Shirt. I tip toed to her back, tickled her and held her from back and she said,
"Baba Claire unanukamkojo, kwaniumeoganamkojo ?"( Claires Father, you smell urine, have you bathed in it ?)
I was so tensed, I blindfolded her with the new panty I had bought Claire then put her gently on the ground and she lay so softly as if she had missed such moments with Baba Claire and then I took of running home to my grand mother.
It was Claire's mother. I didn't know. It is very sad.
[B.O.B A Whoof Deh, It Is Very Sad, December 2013 ]
So I bathed thrice and ensured that I stole my grandmothers "KAMUA" i.e the milking jelly. I ensured that I didnt walk in the sun because if I sweated, then the milking would make me smell crude oil being refined in Libya near a mortuary so its double smell of crude oil and corpses.
I also stole my elder sister's spaghetti top thinking it was a swagful vest for such a love mood.
8pm sharp, I cheated my grand mother that I was going for a long call in the nappier grass because we didnt have a toilet. So my granny accepted and I walked happier than a happy king towards Claire's home.
Villagely enough, I had to use "majestic methods" to get her out of their house because her rude and muscular father was inside and her mother too was there. Claire was a copyright of her mother, infact I thought they were twins. The difference was that Claire's mum was very harsh and could skin your tongue and feed it to her dog if she thought that you were looking at Claire in a manner likely to suggest that you may kiss Claire in future.
So I used my Village methods and screamed like a puppy in pain, " AUU ! AUU !AUU ! And Claire's dad said, " Claire, go check the puppy! " I was so happy at the succesful method and waited romantically for Claire to come out and see the "puppy".
Unfortunately, she tried to open the door but it was too bolted and her dad said, "Just leave the door, let me open it and see the puppy by myself."
He oppened the door and surely saw the puppy wagging its tail happily and he said, "this puppy smokes bhang, it shouts without a reason yawa." All this while, I squatted still next to the thorny K-Apple fence and shrank like a paper bag near a fire because Claire's father was cruel like uncensored fire.
Claire's father walked towards the fence straight to where I was as my heart began to thump in unrest like un-used stones in a GorMahia fan's brief case after a mashemeji derby match.
Claire's father was taking a short call and he unzipped right above my back and started letting out some warm uric excretions not only on my back but on my elder sister's spaghetti which could shrink if washed with warm water because it was made in China.
I couldnt move a bit because Claire's father would beat me like a burukenge from the gym beating a thin burukenge which has no muscles.
I waited until he let out the last warm drop on my back and walked away to the house and closed. I was so frustrated. I hadnt seen my angel, I was smelling 56year old urine, my sister was going to beat me over her vest. Oh! Mwadhani !
Fortunately, Claire's door oppened and I saw someone like her walk out in a lesso and a white T Shirt. I tip toed to her back, tickled her and held her from back and she said,
"Baba Claire unanukamkojo, kwaniumeoganamkojo ?"( Claires Father, you smell urine, have you bathed in it ?)
I was so tensed, I blindfolded her with the new panty I had bought Claire then put her gently on the ground and she lay so softly as if she had missed such moments with Baba Claire and then I took of running home to my grand mother.
It was Claire's mother. I didn't know. It is very sad.
[B.O.B A Whoof Deh, It Is Very Sad, December 2013 ]
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